iz the lizard

professional daydreamer

[slimmer shady @totauddd]

My death is more guaranteed than my wedding so instead of looking for my soulmate im going to look for my soul

[Iz @fruitcupboy]

Opened my bank account expecting 3 dollars and there was 36

[m a x w i t t e r t @waxmittert]

When someone sits next to me on the train I’m like, “that’s because I cultivated a safe space for sitting.”

[Shrimp Billionaire @fentanylbrownie]

When the grocery total isn’t looking too bad and you realize they haven’t yet scanned The Item

[ol’ stocky ⛳️ @oldstocky]

When the email says “any update on this?” and the update is I forgot it existed

[Neil Renic @NC_Renic]

The thrill of using a word in conversation when you’re only 60% sure what it means

[𑣲𝓖 @bunniestbuni]

when you just suddenly Dont know

[JT @Jtaylor0_3]

Heard kids talking in a shop and one of them says “67 just isn’t funny anymore” and the other kid just responds with “there’s still humour there for me but it’s definitely ran its course”

[َ @4NGELWING]

can we escalate this minor disagreement into something it doesn’t need to be? let’s die over this

[✊🏾✊🏾✊🏾 @_KSebastian]

@ Ryan Murphy

[arman @SURVlVALHORROR]

the creators of the car horn deciding what noise it should make:

[Tevin @YourBudTevin]

“Fucking the text man for texts”, “Young hoes cook everything on high”, “Omg you people can’t do anything” and “We’ve extensively talked about this, you’re just 21” are the four greatest tweets ever made.

The philosophical impact cannot be understated. Socratic level thinking

[Buck @Buck36043Buck]

You could probably Waterboard a lot of Information out of me. I have a Very low tolerance for Discomfort

[하 @AiHHHAi]

انت و أول مدير وظفك بدون خبرة

[bailey @Baileymoon15]

i was in middle school what the fuck was i talking about

[@meh @code_achu]

PATTINSON deserves an Oscar for this scene alone man insane shit

[𝓝𝓪𝓽𝓼𝓾 🐈‍⬛ @natsvgin]

y’avait une pub dans mon rêve

[riah 🫧 @at1nytown]

when will the sun finally explode

[strict asian obama @cybergrla]

how it feels being a joyous and bubbly girl knowing people are going to assume you’re just stupid.