Jacob Johnson

Lil' Wayne lives in my nightmares

[RaspberryheART @Jenny4ashley]

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like "please untie me" and "just tell me who you are".

[Rachel Hughes @rachel_hughes3]

Happy Birthday @jakepauljohn!! I hope it's filled with new English girls, mysterious green liquids and pb&j's :)

[K @catpowerkate]

most accurate depiction of camp

[Jacob Johnson @jakepauljohn]

My good friend from SD val (@vibeebenneboo) singing beautifully!! http://t.co/IrgIFDkBYD

[Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) @ojedge]

[Indiana Jones holding his baby for the first time]

Indiana: [putting a little hat on her] "She's… fedorable."

[Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) @ojedge]

[Bruce Willis colouring his remaining few grey hairs]

"More like Dye Hard" he mutters despondently.

[regular keith @ghostkrogh]

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i'm not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[me] God?
[God] yeah buddy?
[me] do...do you ever look at your poops before you flush?
[God] .....totally
[me] ..cool

[Annie @thecursedcowboy]

Me thinking about going back to school

[batkaren (a/k/a kt roth) @batkaren]

[Dragging cross to Crucifixion]
ROMAN1:It's a cross walk!
ROMAN2:We're on a cross road!
JC: Be a shame if something happened to your empire.

[Jacob Johnson @jakepauljohn]

@c_johns1 @mr_connorj https://t.co/IgulidZmX8

[matt @dogfather]

[deer on dinner date]
HER: I like u
DEER: I like u too
HER: you're very deer to me
DEER:*gets up quickly, knocking shit over* fuck off Linda

[Paige @PeachCoffin]

I don't want none a ya tight ass country club ya freak bitch

[Paige @PeachCoffin]

But that bitch took my man

[huntigula @huntigula]

[barber shop]

I want it to look like an elderly squirrel died in its sleep on top of my head.

"Sure thing, Mr. Trump"

[Dan O'Brien @OtherDanOBrien]

MAN (w/ a handful of bees): Look! Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
WIFE: Aren't u allergic to bee stings
MAN (dying): I regret nothing

[elizabeth @Elizasoul80]

Google search: Jobs you can sleep at

[Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91]

A court date is still a date, right?