Jason Voss

Completely unprofessional. At everything.

[Jason Voss @jasonvoss312]

@Cernovich @neiltyson He was probably just talking about Uranus.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

The only thing worse than someone who speeds to the front of a line of traffic and then cuts over is the person who lets him cut in.

[palmer @decentbirthday]

Interviewer: So it says here you speak "sign language"? Please elaborate.

Me: Stop

Interviewer: Oh, well-

Me: Speed Limit 55

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

I always volunteer for the chores with unverifiable results. For example, would anyone really know if I took out the trash?

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Top three meanings of "I was just joking"

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

I don't even want to drive 26.2 miles.

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[spelling bee]

Your word is 'passive-aggressive'

"Could you use it in a sentence?"

I could but don't worry about it, it's fine

[Mellimelle @mellimelle]

Media manipulation?? If that were really happening, I would've heard about it on the news.

[The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian]

Pretty sure the 'vitamins & minerals' printed on the side of this Cap'n Crunch are a benefit only if you consume the cardboard box itself.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

I wish someone would make a law where I don't have to share a restroom with anyone.

[Bandersnaaatch @Bandersnaaatch]

I'm sorry I yelled SLAM DUNK when I inserted your catheter on the first try.

[bananafanafofisa @lisaxy424]

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Single men like women like they like their music, on shuffle. Married men also like women like they like their music, on pause.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

What’s it called when you don’t have the healthiest lifestyle but your blood work always looks good?

Plausible deniability

[Alex Whitman @alexwhitman]

......or not!

[SwiftOnSecurity @SwiftOnSecurity]

Nobody's as happy as they are on Facebook, pretty as they are on Instagram, or as thought leadering as they are on LinkedIn. 🤔

[Mr. Onederful® @ericonederful]

My job pays me too get off my phone and look busy everytime I hear someone coming.

[Skinnie Talls @SkinnieTalls]

The incriminating evidence on my phone is accumulating at an alarming rate.

[Jason Voss @jasonvoss312]

@vasqlartek Ain't happenin'. *crosses fingers that it won't happen*