jennifer varga

[Rachel McCartney @RachelMComedy]

Breathing the air outside today is equivalent to smoking two cigarettes: TERRIBLE for you unless you're drunk. Please, everyone, stay indoors until you've downed six White Claws

[breezy ࣪ ִֶָ☾. @vampirehamilton]

big fan of her music. didnt know she was an nhl goalie

[l feII in Dior @LIRIO_AG]

“Ay no, tarjeta gris otra vez”.

[christine 🌿 @xtinemarx]

my childhood nickname was “christine the bean” until 2001 when my older brother and sister began a competition to see which of them could think of a new nickname that made me cry the most. this resulted in them calling me “osama bin laden” for the next three years

[Jonah Allon @JonahAllon]

they’re getting a taste of beach weather. now make the holiday weekend cool and rainy

[bonky @shesbonky]

TRADER JOE'S GUY: what do you have going on today?

ME: well, it's march 31 so i have 94 meetings today

*confused pause*

HIM: huh. what do you do?

ME: i'm the director of the parks and rec department

HIM: oh. well... have a great day!

[greg @greg16676935420]

If you’re working on your taxes this week don’t forget to report your income from illegal activities and stolen property

[꧁✿Nessa✿꧂ @Softnessa_]

My husband broke one of my toddler’s crayons five months ago and she has not missed an opportunity to remind him of it. The other day she found a broken crayon at the pediatrician’s office and asked me “did Papa breaked this crayon?”

[🅿️ @the_P_God]

I was GROSSLY overserved last night. Nothing I could do about it

[carl 🥦 @NightlifeMingus]

they should take another hour every night until there’s no more time. let’s wrap things up

[Old Internet @OldInternetFeel]

2009

[paul rudd @philsadelphia]

bring back REAL super bowl ads

[gwen howerton @kissphoria]

there should be another nfl game the morning of the super bowl between the worst teams in both conferences

[Zion @zionszzn]

Made it to Friday but at what cost? Monday is literally in 20 minutes.

[Fangirl for Football @fangirlfornfl]

everyone apologize to Daniel Jones right now (week 5)

[Matt Bateman @mbateman]

Report from 5yo’s school

[Heather Lloyd @ByHeatherLloyd]

Three of my favorite quarterbacks.

[tweet davidson @andyreed]

when people turn 30 they’re sorted into one of these four houses like in harry potter

[josef k hole @poeticdweller]

i've had like 600 mg of caffeeine today which has given me the ability to read people's minds and they're all mad at me

[Work Retire Die @WorkRetireDie]

You come to me today, on a Friday afternoon, to ask me to do the job that I'm paid to do? This I cannot do