alice

[mopar @moparscape_acc]

I just got fired from Apple. I was the guy responsible for making sure that when you start typing a name into iMessage, no contacts show up

[Touhei @Tou_hiei]

@downbadcomment Low birth rates? Vaginal Lacerations, Pelvic Floor Muscle Damage, Vaginal Hemorrhoids & Bruising, Broken Pelvis, Broken Ribs, Coccyx Fractures, Diabets, Preeclampsia - and thats just tip of iceberg of how childbirth can injure you

[CantaLoupe @CantALoupe_FF]

@SheaSerrano The 1:44 means he has a 1 in 44 shot to win. The 68 for Clark means he is either unable or unwilling to try 69.
The other numbers are ages they lost their virginity. Reed as you can see is still a virgin.

[TayoMurph @TayoMurph]

@Acyn When Tucker Carlson is making sense… You know we really f’d up this timeline.

[Raq @raqisright]

Signs a guy is recently single:

- immediately starts dating 3 girls at once
- follows 100 girls on insta in one day
- has the freedom to like thirst traps again
- immediately downloads hinge
- finds a rebound, makes her think she’s special (she’s not)
- 4 weeks later texts his ex
- develops a drinking problem
- 3 months after, realizes this was all a bandaid and he’s actually depressed

[Danny Goodwin @dannywgoodwin]

If you’re a terrorist at what point do you call it a day in the 4-hour TSA line

[Buck @Buck36043Buck]

My weather app just told me to go smoke a joint on the patio

[Buck @Buck36043Buck]

Today’s to do list:

-Think about past failures
-Spend $15-200
-Reflect on recent trauma
-Become so over caffeinated I get scared
-Abuse a substance

[я hater @alionastrixel]

Work will have you in friend groups like this!

[clare @sadderlizards]

bro are doing okay? theres no twinkle in your eyes and your whimsical demeanor has been replaced with a profound sadness

[sand ghost @moutheaters]

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

[𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐢𝐥𝐨𝐞 @monicabrancon]

me restarting the song because i blinked on my favourite part

[alice @kimalice100]

@bayoucowart heard that.

[alice @kimalice100]

@anj_darji what the heck tell that to you 12 years ago when i was a Monopoly FIEND ready to crush our friendship with the swift purchase of Park Place 😤🤬

[LAKER TEMET @Temet21]

THIS IS THE MOST RELATABLE RAVE TWEET/VIDEO YOU WILL EVER SEE 😂😂😂

[alice @kimalice100]

@qosmicqueen sk8ter girl, frat boy, basic bitch, WOOK

[chunky fila @chunkyfila]

who the fuck had the ~brilliant idea~ to do puzzles while social distancing?? my gf asked “do you have any side pieces” but that question threw me off and i hesitated so she looked through my phone and now knows about the 3 girls i’ve cheated on her with 😔

[saint cignatius @saintcignatius]

my quarantine routine is very simple. i wake up and go insane

[Year of the Tullus (sponsored by X Dot Com) @yearofthetullus]

Y’all always say stuff like “2020 is cancelled” but whoops bet you didn’t think it would actually happen