Nope.

[Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86]

*walks into school & grabs the intercom*
"IT'S ALL LIES.YOULL NEVER USE MATH IN REAL LIFE"
*fighting noises*
"SUBTRACT MATH FROM YOUR LIVES"

[Tim @Playing_Dad]

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

[noog @noog]

Why does every band today have like 20 fucking members? One word. Rush. Three people. Three fucking brilliant people.

[Kelkulus @kelkulus]

I failed a drug test. I guess I should have studied instead of staying up all night doing drugs.

[Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome]

I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas.

[Moshe Kasher @moshekasher]

I've given up on finding romantic love so I guess I have the Avengers to look forward to.

[Bill So Hard @PimpBillClinton]

Maybe we can't agree on abortion, gay marriage or stem cell research but we CAN all agree that ZZ Top kicks ass, right?

[Beer Farts @BeerFarts101]

SNL is so bad nowadays. Every sketch looks like it's from some drunk college kids YouTube channel.

[Beer Farts @BeerFarts101]

At my funeral, as I'm being carried into the church in my Alf casket, I wan't "Who Let The Dogs Out" playing, as everyone does 'The Wave'.

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

I wish I could give a Grammy to my Grammy Julia because she was the best. She smelled like soap & let me eat dog food.

[inmynewskin @inmynewskin]

Debilitating Phobias:
1. Sharks
2. Sharks wearing pants
3. Sharks drinking Peach Snapple
4. Rats inside rats inside other rats
5. Pants

[Pauly Casillas @PaulyCasillas]

Every time I put fabric softener in the washing machine with my Motörhead T-shirt, I feel like I failed.

[Arby’s Provocateur @SamGrittner]

"Wanna listen to Axl Rose's unreleased EP?" "Nah, I'm just gonna pour battery acid down my ears & tell people I collect Nazi memorabilia."