Kirsten Simmons

[Kirsten Simmons @Ksimmons_]

I rode in an uber for the first time alone and when I got in the guy shoved a burrito in his mouth & said "sorry, I didn't want to share."

[darian @darian___]

drinks on me tonight friends imma dispute the charges on monday

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

If you were mine, I'd wake you up every morning with the smell of freshly exploded hot dogs in the microwave

[Zoe Camp @jzcamp]

How are we doing on breadsticks over here

[stella @yoonogy]

fuck i miss going to the club and smacking men in the back of the head and watching them turn around and yell at the closest other man and id just keep dancing

[ava @awtisym]

i like laughing and having fun. everyone wants to torture and kill me

[2022 Heisman Winner @vj_v_]

I have yet to see Lebron do this

[Pim Diffy 🚀 @isthat_kt]

I just-

Ain’t no way ALL 5 little monkeys fell off the bed. AINT NOOOO WAY.

That bitch was hittin them kids.

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

I'm the cunt of the litter

[monkey spit @monkeyspiit]

in the bathroom at planet fitness setting off the lunk alarm if you know what I mean #yep #poop

[angel :) @ministryofluvvv]

what’s this I’m hearing about a handjob virus?

[talia @taliasbonnin]

Put me unmedicated in a room with RFK Jr. for 30 mins and he’ll come out saying we need Lexapro in the drinking water

[turd @goonageddon]

my broke buddy got twins on the way and he hit a $400 parlay the other night and ordered a parrot online

[Degen CPA @drewvento]

I’ll admit, when I was a kid in the 90s I definitely thought that Kid Rock would have less direct involvement with military operations

[Paris @goodyhilton]

(Scratching my head with a gun) where the hell did I leave my gun

[Kirsten Simmons @Ksimmons_]

@MyLifeAsB__ And imma eat em anyway

[maybe: diane @dianelyssa]

i cannot keep seeing these videos of punch getting abused by the other monkeys somebody PLEASE DO SOMETHING OH MY GOD @BARACKOBAMA @ZOHRANKMAMDANI @HILLARYCLINTON @VONDERLEYEN @MARKJCARNEY @MADONNA @PETA pLS i’m fucking throwing uP

[Matthew Zeitlin @MattZeitlin]

At what point do we consider military intervention