duchess🍒

total wild card 💋 aim to please, shoot to kill (always in a personality sense) 😇 rms 😇

[duchess🍒 @ktdiamondd]

They say money can’t buy happiness? Then what the fuck else are you supposed to buy it with?

[DJ BBQ @stepheniscowboy]

bring it on

[ℋ𝒶𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓎 @Am_hailey]

My eight year old woke up at 5am today, got herself dressed. She's wearing a huge, poofy lavender dress, light up pastel pink shoes and she covered her face in glitter. I asked her if it was a special occasion and she said "It's museum day, I'm dressing up for the fossils" and girl - YES. Dress up for the fossils 🙌

[Grace @gracecamille_]

my girl was really struggling and i suggested volunteering bc giving back to the community is gets you out of your own head, forms connections, makes you grateful for what u have etc etc.. today she signed up to be a DEATH DOULA and I’m like??? girl I meant DELIVERING MEALS

[𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 @AbakpaJob]

broadly i think you can categorise all cats into cats that think they are people, cats that know they are cats, and cats that will never know a single thing their entire lives

[Jake List @JakeMatthewList]

Whoever wins the World Cup this year will sadly only be able to come in second to this tweet

[Lyn🦋 @_ayandamay]

I overheard a girl saying yesterday ‘worrying is such a terrible use of your imagination’ … and I audibly gasped.

[^ ^ @bitesyourneck]

your misbehaving boyfriend isnt funny to me take him to the shelter and have him euthanized

[goma @soigomaa]

I would have given him a laxative before

[cav empty @cavempty_]

i likely died many years ago and this is all a fabrication created as a sort of purgatory for me whether thats to to teach me something or punish im not sure but i appreciate all your efforts in making this feel so real

[🇭🇷dylan🇵🇸 @fountinsofwayne]

Will never get over the sheer amount of piss required to cake his jeans the way he has

[฿₳₮₮ⱠɆ ฿ɎⱤĐ @BattleByrd]

I found my new name for unsweet tea...

[chase @cfree94]

had a lovely chat with my hydrangeas who are absolutely dying in my front yard

[The Figen @TheFigen_]

When you’re feeling sad, remember your C6 vertebra; it’s happy to support your head every single day. 😂

[🎀 planet clarke 🎀 @planetclarke]

“Women have a hard time submitting to men because it’s hard for Gods to submit to their own creations” altered my brain chemistry a little bit ngl

[Tim Cato @tim_cato]

y’all will not believe how quickly “not even allowed to write something wrong now in this perfect world” will enter my lexicon

[Eggy @2eggwhite]

Watching a budget cooking video and the woman has to adjust a literal Great Depression recipe because the ingredients would be too expensive in 2026

[Sage @sagebored]

Jerry: She has a penis?

George: She had a PENIS, Jerry!

Elaine: So what if she had a penis?

(Kramer enters)

Elaine: Kramer, would you ever date a girl with a penis?

Kramer: I only date girls with penises

George: Really? Why?

Kramer: She knows her way around the equipment

[Tianna, the Writer @tiannathewriter]

There's a guy on tiktok called Cancer Faking Expert who I just loveee. He's the world's only expert on people who fake cancer and is getting a degree specifically in it because he spent so much personal time gathering data around cancer faking. You can study anything, I love it.

[Nick Carlson @CarlsonPress]

In a world saturated with AI, this is like a welcome cry of relief