kyle raney

Overwhelmingly underwhelming

[kyle raney @Kyle_Raney]

[hospital]
"We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach."
"Is that bahahaad?"
"Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."

[kyle raney @Kyle_Raney]

Prince of Egypt soundtrack slaps, don't @ me

[kyle raney @Kyle_Raney]

@Joe_Nilla_1

[kyle raney @Kyle_Raney]

Friend: "what should we do about your car?"

Me: "let's just leave it there for the time being"

The Time Being: [getting in the car] "omg thank you guys, this is so nice"

[kyle raney @Kyle_Raney]

"Like, I --literally-- cannot even deal right now." - casino dealer that gets really bad hand cramps

[slick @dlicj]

just took my garbages out to the road. hopefully it’s enough for them this time and the garbage men aren’t banging on my door asking for “more garbage”

[kyle raney @Kyle_Raney]

@gtRidge Absolutely. The only thing in life better than Twitter fame is any other accomplishment

[kyle raney @Kyle_Raney]

@gtRidge You did it, man.

[your bff alex @psybermonkey]

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

[chuuch @ch000ch]

the opposite of Outback Steakhouse is Infront Fish Apartment. my wife left divorce papers on the counter this morning

[marf @MarfSalvador]

me: wanna join the mile high club?

gf: sssh we can't!

hot air balloon pilot: just pretend I'm not here

[marf @MarfSalvador]

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don't know how to do anything else

[Megan Nicole Dong @sketchshark]

My friends hate this horse and I don’t know why...

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

Boss: You're fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

[alex norris @sillyalexnorris]

oh no