Zilla

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

cop: we have video evidence of you with ten pounds of drugs

me: yeah but the camera adds ten pounds so really you guys caught me with nothing

cop: holy shit...

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

@saraapedia @Classify @awhalefact ❤

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

[martial arts fight]

sensei: put them in a sleeper hold

me: [cradling opponent like a baby] like this?

sensei: no not like tha-

me: [opponent falling asleep] sshhh

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

her: you pretending your life is a talk show is driving us apart. we need to take a break

me: you're absolutely right. let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with our next guest

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

me: there's something i need to tell you. last night i met up with my ex

wife: ok

me: we had a few drinks

wife: omg...

me: and we played basketball

wife: you didn't cheat?

me: no i didn’t need to she fucking sucks

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

me: fbi stands for federal boobie inspector right haha

fbi agent: [arresting me] shut the fuck up [looking at my chest] but not bad

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

me: i'm gonna be a dad

friend: congratulations. boy or girl?

me: boy. dads are always boys

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

[first day as zoo tour guide]

me: elephants have very thick skin. observe [to elephant] hey, idiot!

elephant: [eats some leaves]

me: see? doesn't even care

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

[restaurant]

me: table for one

waiter: can i get your name?

me: [defensively] no get your own

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

@rudy_mustang This is all the science you need to know

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

@_coryrichardson @livlivme_do damn

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

me: officer there's a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it's actually a pretty good parking spot

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

[first day as bartender]

customer: can i get a beer?

me: what kind?

customer: hein-

me: heinz?

customer: no. heineken-

me: [popping open ketchup like a bottle of beer] good choice

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

[after surgery]

doctor: you'll never walk again

me: oh god

doctor: the heely implants were a success

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they're ALL broken?!

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

[oxygen bar]

me: coming here is a breath of fresh air haha

bartender: i think you've had enough

me: what?

bartender: [starts choking me]

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

[date]

me: *don't let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

@lorifitzdoodles ❤

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

@ChicksRule ❤

[Zilla @GoodZiIIa]

@AndrewDixonSo ❤