LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid

xylophone extraordinaire, penis joke aficionado

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

“It’s my brand” is the excuse I give for all of my terrible behavior.

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

@JasonStrummer Just a sweet transvestite, from transexual, Transylvania… HA HA

[Shenanigans @Shenanigans_luv]

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

@dougbies Ho w much u charging ?

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

@Nikxiland 👏🏽 😭

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

@sarahschauer “When are you going to have kids?!” Oh idk... maybe when my husband does his own fucking laundry and gets a job?!

[Sarah Beattie @nachosarah]

it’s hard for me to get dressed in the morning because I know I’m going to be wearing whatever I choose for three days straight and that’s a lot of fucking pressure

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

@nachosarah Idk if I feel seen or attacked 🤷🏽‍♀️

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

I know my blood is descended from the Ancient Romans bc I can drink a bottle of wine like it’s water. It genuinely heals me.

[shelby. @cathedralslut]

Girls don’t want a boyfriend, they want Senator Ted Cruz to fall off a cliff

[flamin nora @katieogunsakin]

“are you ok?” no but I’m funny

[Dr. Taters, DDS @gorgonzola_dds]

At least we’ll always have weed. Best backup plan there is.

[Emergency Pants @zwnyc]

Is it just me, or is everything horrible?

[ADHDean @ADHDeanASL]

If a horse lives next door, that’s literally a neighbor

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

I told my husband I want a kid so I can make fun of it on Twitter and he didn’t seem down 😔

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

I learned about Chianti wine from a @netflix documentary and now it’s the only wine I drink.

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

So you’re telling me you’ve never gone into a friends fridge at midnight and made yourself a turkey Caprese panino in olive focaccia ?!

[LOLI'mDrunk, KoolAid @lolimdrunk]

A 22 year old told me my 30 year old boobs were perky & firm so I’m pretty sure I’m doing ok in life

[Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal]

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

[Laurazepam @andlikelaura]

me: i never get invited to go out

friend texts me: hey wanna hang out

me: aww boo i can’t i have a headache *continues to watch scrubs for the 8th hour in a row*