Longsnuggler

Don't expect. I'll surely disappoint.

[Longsnuggler @longsnuggler]

I like to pee with the door open because it keeps other customers from entering my changing room.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

If you've ever said "it's just a dog" we aren't going to get along and I also probably have serious questions about your character.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

If you're not sure about having kids, have someone say "Mom!" 100 times before 7am & see if it's right for you.

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

GENIE: you get 3 wishes

ME: I wish for all dogs to have homes, be happy, and live forever.

GENIE: no wishes for you?

ME: that is for me

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

[Paul Solomon @FrankTheDoorman]

Donald Trump thinks an intelligence briefing is a meeting where they tell him how smart he is.

[Anita Helmet @AnitaHelmet]

How to apply eye makeup for a sultry, "smoky" effect:

1. Generously apply eyeliner, mascara and eyeshadow.

2. Get drunk.

3.Fall asleep.

[Anita Helmet @AnitaHelmet]

People who say, "Tomorrow is another day"...

Um. Yeah. That's how calendars work.

Three days from now is another day too. Fucking idiot.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

Why use crash tests dummies when there's plenty of animal abusers running around .....

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

*tries various condom sizes on in the Walmart dressing room*

[jordan @jordan_stratton]

And the bill, written entirely in red crayon by the president himself, will be hanging on the White House refrigerator for everyone to see.

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

Obamacare vs. Trumpcare

[jordan @jordan_stratton]

People who excitedly recognized and celebrated the pancake yesterday are criticizing others for acknowledging women's issues today.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

A big fuck you to people who return a text with a phone call.

[Anita Helmet @AnitaHelmet]

If I had a perfect body, I'd post naked selfies ALL. THE. TIME. Erryday. It's noon? It's naked selfie time. 2pm? Time for a naked selfie.

[Dat drunk girl @datdrunkgirl]

My housemate brought a random guy home so in the morning I just walked in and high fived him. No words exchanged. He never returned.