Matt

[Matt @m_oneill33]

I love how every news headline specifically describes this sickness as “explosive” diarrhea, as if there’s another kind of calm diarrhea

[Matt @m_oneill33]

The revised American dream is just one good lawsuit away

[Matt @m_oneill33]

I don’t get why every online account needs 2-factor security levels. Like oh man I sure hope nobody hacks this account and pays my gas bill this month

[Matt @m_oneill33]

The value of the US dollar is dropping, I want my paychecks in Kohl’s cash

[Matt @m_oneill33]

Dante’s Inferno has now been revised with The 10th Level of Hell: @Browns fandom

[Cleveland Browns @Browns]

We are excited to announce that we have been granted marketing rights in Italy 🇮🇹

Through the @NFL Global Markets Program, we are eager to connect with the Italian community, support American football development from youth to elite levels, and grow the Browns global fanbase 🗺️

[Matt @m_oneill33]

If I was a WWE wrestler my name would be Paul Bearer

[Matt @m_oneill33]

GIVE THE GOOD BOY GOLD 🥇

[Jomboy Media @JomboyMedia]

This dog belongs on the podium

[Matt @m_oneill33]

Competitive driveway shoveling should be in the Winter Olympics

[Matt @m_oneill33]

My vote for Miss Universe 2026 is Little Debbie

[Matt @m_oneill33]

I have no personality I just have a nice database of funny GIFs

[Matt @m_oneill33]

I wonder what these horses thought during this. Did they ever just look over their shoulders and go “damn”

[Fascinating @fasc1nate]

The Horrific History of Being Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered https://t.co/pDbqqlZcfG

[Matt @m_oneill33]

I’m gonna open a Christian discount grocery store. Our slogan will be “Jesus saves. Shouldn’t you too?”

[Matt @m_oneill33]

And it’ll only cost $100k and moves at the speed of someone’s grandma who had 13 knee replacements. Order yours now

[Bernt Bornich @BerntBornich]

Humanoids were long a thing of sci-fi, then they were a thing of research, but today, with the launch of NEO, humanoids become a product.

NEO is the first step on a journey towards a more abundant future and we’re excited for you to join us on this journey. Order your NEO today.

[Matt @m_oneill33]

I wish cars were more conducive to changing your clothes in or eating sandwiches in. Maybe I’ll make one and I’ll call it the Hyundai Scumbag or something

[Matt @m_oneill33]

If you showed a Revolutionary War soldier a future vision of a 2025 Walmart I wonder if they would’ve continued the cause #WalmartThoughts

[Matt @m_oneill33]

Hoping to get signed by Marvel or DC for my newest comic / superhero series. It’s an old lady named Barb who uses her superhuman sharp finger nails and goes as “Barb Wire”. Coming to a theater near you soon

[Matt @m_oneill33]

Why does every office intern just get referred to as “the intern(s)”. Can’t I call him Frank sometimes

[Matt @m_oneill33]

Inside a Walmart I feel like I could be killed at any moment. Or I could find a great deal on a tee shirt. The odds are exactly the same

[Matt @m_oneill33]

No, yours is

[NASA @NASA]

Uranus is warmer than we thought.

New computer modeling techniques revealed that Uranus generates internal heat. This is similar to our solar system’s other gas giants, like Jupiter or Neptune. https://t.co/OpsOIwXYc9

[Matt @m_oneill33]

Some phrases are just impossible to say in a non-creepy way. One of them is, “We meet again.”