User 3825-87867

Unverified

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

✌🏾❤️

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

If you die on Twitter, do you die in real life?

[Aaron Cameron @theAaronCameron]

You know who's incredibly underrated as an actor is Sting. You can put Sting in anything I'll believe he's Sting.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

Me: Yikes. That was the DARKEST kid costume. 👀
Her: Which one?
Me: Widowed Jackie Kennedy!
Her: That was Legally Blonde!

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

Going as a fat dad for Halloween. Not wearing a costume.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

I like to take those stupid Joe Biden stickers and make it look like he’s responsible for great deals instead.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

People don’t like it when I play Dr. Pimple Popper in public but they like to sue ME for their infections?!

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

“Yesterday’s a hard word for me.” Brutal self own.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

“It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees!”
-Emiliano Zapata

I dunno, man. Have you ever DIED?

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

Careful. That group crying about the threat of Sharia Law just might be trying to make us all live under the wacky rules in THEIR old book.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

My autobiography will be titled
“It’s Not About Me”

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

I’ll never forget when I found out where babies come from. Dad took me to the parking lot of the Women’s and Children’s Center at the hospital. “Here comes another one,” Dad would say as another lady was wheeled out. “Congrats, son,” Dad said as we drove home, “you’re a man now.”

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

You would not BELIEVE the money you can make selling wristbands! Go to a church parking lot. WRISTBAND! Go to Dave & Busters. WRISTBAND! Distant relative’s funeral? You guessed it WRISTBAND!

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

“Oh no! Don’t take away all of those hilarious Tom Petty-related jokes!” cried the crowd.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

If Pig Idiot gets back on Twitter, I’m outta here.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

My tribute band (Bob Jetty & The Smart Bakers) don’t have “groupies” but there are a lot of people who come to our shows asking about “the bake sale.”

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

I ate some “tortilla-style protein chips” today that tasted like a batch my uncle might’ve made in his garage if he didn’t know about tortillas or taste buds. So, yeah, I’m pretty healthy.

[User 3825-87867 @mablazarus]

@jwPencilAndPad Ha! My philosophy *is* very Brandon-centric.

[Pat Thornton @patthornton]

A raccoon on the garage roof just staring me down. A real game of chicken. What’s your move bud? You think I’m scared? You think I’ve never kissed a raccoon before?