Mike Uslan

A marketing professional turned full time childcare expert for my 2 year old son and golden retriever. These are our new adventures!

[Aaron Rupar @atrupar]

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: What did Black people do to this administration that has allowed it to really stigmatize folks of color?

JD VANCE: What exactly are you talking about?

AUDIENCE: *groans*

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

I'm the VP of AI at Apple.

I've been here since 2011.

I watched Siri launch.

It was revolutionary.

For about six months.

Then Google Assistant came out.

Then Alexa.

Then ChatGPT.

We kept saying we were "focused on privacy."

Privacy is what you say when you're losing.

Three years ago the board asked about our AI strategy.

I showed them a slide that said "On-Device Intelligence."

They nodded.

They didn't know what it meant.

Neither did I.

But it had a picture of a neural network.

Neural networks look impressive.

Even when they don't work.

Last year someone asked Siri to set a timer.

It opened a Wikipedia article about timers.

Tim saw the meme.

He didn't laugh.

He scheduled a "strategic offsite."

Offsites are where we go to admit failure privately.

I presented three options.

Option 1: Build our own LLM.

That would take four years.

We don't have four years.

Option 2: Buy a startup.

We looked at twelve.

They all wanted $40 billion.

For teams of nine people.

Who would leave after the acquisition.

Option 3: Call Google.

The room went quiet.

Google is the enemy.

We've spent fifteen years pretending we're better than Google.

Our entire brand is "not Google."

But Google has TPUs.

We don't.

Google has Gemini.

We have Siri.

Siri still can't reliably add items to a grocery list.

I called Sundar.

He picked up on the first ring.

He'd been waiting.

They all wait.

Eventually everyone calls Google.

I asked for TPU access.

He said yes.

I asked for Gemini integration.

He said yes.

I asked how much.

He said one billion dollars.

I said that's a lot.

He said "per year."

I paused.

He said "you don't really have a choice."

He was smiling.

I could hear it.

We announced it as a "strategic partnership."

Partnership means we're paying them.

The press release said we're "enhancing Siri's capabilities."

Enhancing means replacing.

We said the new Siri arrives "late 2026."

Late 2026 means 2027.

Maybe 2028.

Definitely not 2026.

A reporter asked if this means Apple lost the AI race.

Our comms team said we're "thoughtfully deliberate."

That's not an answer.

But it has enough syllables to sound like one.

Internally, we're calling it "Project Humble Pie."

Someone suggested "Project Brain Transplant."

HR flagged that as "not brand-aligned."

The engineers are relieved.

They've been trying to make Siri work for years.

Now they can blame Google.

Blame is a renewable resource.

Tim did a podcast.

He said AI is "a profound technology."

He's never used ChatGPT.

I showed him once.

He asked why it was typing so slowly.

I said that's how it works.

He said "Siri should be faster."

I said "Siri will be Google."

He said "don't say that publicly."

I won't.

Publicly, we're "leveraging industry partnerships."

Leveraging means surrendering.

But with dignity.

We still have the best hardware.

We still have the ecosystem.

We still have the brand.

We just don't have AI.

So we're renting it.

From the company we've mocked for two decades.

The one billion dollars is a licensing fee.

The real cost is the narrative.

We were the innovators.

Now we're the integrators.

But the stock is up 3%.

Wall Street doesn't care about innovation.

Wall Street cares about not falling behind.

We're not falling behind anymore.

We're being carried.

By Google.

For one billion dollars a year.

I'll present this as a win at the next all-hands.

Wins are whatever you frame them as.

The graph will go up and to the right.

It always does.

As long as you pick the right metric.

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@herrmanndigital Got any tips on how other brands can get removed from the Health and Wellness category?

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@herrmanndigital Met with our rep about this yesterday then had to turn around and tell the client that they can either change their entire site to comply with vague regulations or start moving budget out of Meta. Fun convo… Thanks Meta

[Jeremy Hecht @Jeremy_Hecht]

Drake used my video in his (pre action) lawsuit against UMG 😂

I made a video showing that Siri was taking you to “Not Like Us” when you asked to play “certified lover boy” on Spotify. I later showed this was because of lyric recognition. But they didn’t include that part lol

[Adam Koffler @AdamKoffler]

Welcome back 👑

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@ashvinmelwani Clients providing accurate KPIs that we can use to scale. Nothing stresses me out more than the client waffling on their KPIs and then coming back to me afterwards to say it wasn't as successful as they were hoping for.

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@BenchwarmerBran We’re going with Ford… hopefully the kickoff fumble is a sign of things to come?!

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@BenchwarmerBran Should I use Hubbard or Ford in my flex?

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@BenchwarmerBran The Panthers

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@herrmanndigital @Meta So we can start sending 100% of traffic to Shops? So we can test Shops v Website v Combo?

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@therahulissar "Yeah, but how can we trust that the ads are really driving those conversions?"

[Jon Stewart @jonstewart]

CSPAN in the motha fuckin hooouuussseee!!!!

[Ash @ashvinmelwani]

You know how they say your net worth is only as good as your network?

Well, I have to thank Twitter for surrounding me with quite literally the best of the best.

I just wanted to give a quick shoutout to a few people who have helped me so much.

Give them a follow! 👇

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@triplewhale Got a couple experts at ATTN Agency itching to talk numbers and attribution with the Whale!

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@patrickhwillems I've always wanted to hear you do a deep dive into Pixar. Especially thoughts on how they are all connected.

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@Austindiapers @diapernetwork @eric_adelson @AllisonMillerTV @DonnaHowardTX @baby2baby Best way/address to donate formula from out of state?

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@semrush Proven and repeatable results in a new area

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@jonfavs @crookedmedia A live look at the Crooked Team at 6 am this morning

[Mike Uslan @mike_uslan]

@GinnyMarvin Great write up. Appreciate the summary. Hopefully this helps us move faster and more efficiently with turning on and off promotions and sales.