matt online

never tweet

[wint @dril]

"jail isnt real," i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco

[carl 🥦 @NightlifeMingus]

19b. Which of the statements below best characterizes your attitude towards particles?

⚪️ Particles do not concern me.
⚪️ Particles rarely concern me.
🔘 I regard particles with some concern.
⚪️ Particles often concern me.
⚪️ I am profoundly concerned about particles.

[krus🪖 @krus_chiki]

I would thrive as a third world country police officer. Leaning on my AK47. Collecting bribes. Sitting in front of a building drinking tea. Move along. Papers Please. Halt. And so on

[Rhine Stoned Cowboy @BisqueBoi]

when I mention Arby’s, you’re likely already picturing a specific location
maybe one down the street, or that you went to growing up, maybe it’s not even there anymore
this is your “Mind Arby’s” and with training you can go to this Arby’s at any time and from any place

[maybe: xavier (reigning nba champ knicks enjoyer) @couldbexav]

pound for pound, the greatest meme of all-time. been laughing at it for a decade,
plan to for the next several.

[donald boat @laserboat999]

Coach: You are familiar with Sun Wukong, gentlemen — King of Monkeys. One of the great running backs of antiquity—yet He had no cleats, no helmet. Nothing but what?

Team: The Tao, Ever-Flowing, Coach

Coach: And where did he ride it?

Team: To the great Endzone in the sky, Coach

[zou bisou bisou where are you @lilgrapefruits]

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

[lo @fifteenhickeys]

my 92 y/o granddad telling me about christmas in 1930s czechoslovakia: and then the man would come with his bear, and we'd give him money, to help him keep it. he needed the bear for his work.

me: what was his work?

granddad: well every christmas he'd come round with his bear

[SIKT Robin 🐦(they/them) 🩷🤍💜🖤💙 @SarcasticRobin]

"are people supposed to be aware of every single piece of literature" is not the thing you say when referring to probably the second most influential piece of literature to ever exist

[donald boat @laserboat999]

Teaching a grey alien how to drive stick in a 1994 Mazda Miata. "I love how she corners," he remarks, "Not that dissimilar from flying an orb." I say, "You're right. You're absolutely right."

[Greg the Sorcerer @gregthesorcerer]

Straight up “bearing it” and by “it”, haha, well, let’s just say The Curse

ⓘ 𝗢𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗖𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗧𝘄𝗲𝗲𝘁

[Ronan Murphy @swearimnotpaul]

Doubt it. Arteta prefers Havertz in that role.

[popular loner🚶🏼‍♀️🤷‍♀️ @milkyy_tweets]

Saying “who’s their ceo” anytime I’m mildly dissatisfied with my experience somewhere

[Allen Ivermectin @FanSince09]

Waluigi Mangione is actually rising through the ranks at United Healthcare

[horse dentist @equine__dentist]

what’s even the fucking point then

[Ed Zitron @edzitron]

when you have the brain of a dog