Mayank Vachher

Jack of all trades, Master of pun

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

How is @UberEats and @Uber_Support so shit? I literally need to reach out to a human for my issue but all I get is automated menus.

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@_atulj Good movie!

[Michael Winding @WindingMichael]

We’ve generated a synapse-resolution map of an insect brain, includes 3016 neurons and half a million synaptic sites! Out today in Science https://t.co/l3W5PEbhtJ

Summary below and in @bpedigod’s thread. @ZlaticLab, @albertcardona, @neuro_data, Carey Priebe, and many others

[Nathan 🔎 @NathanpmYoung]

One of my favourite long jokes:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer.

The third orders a quarter of a beer.

"I don't serve quarter pints" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #3

"A half pint is fine. No quarters" The bartender remarks.

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"I've got to clean all these glasses, remember"

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #2 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "they are tricky sure, but hardly advanced! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@agrawalamod Hi from a friend in EST 🙋🏻‍♂️

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@agrawalamod Someone put in the effort to mop it ;_;

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@xtinacomputes Hades!

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@hasanminhaj Can I come say hi to you after your show in Toronto on Jun 11? 🥺

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

Turn up! My undergrad thesis is on Netflix lmao

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

What a beautiful thread! 😍

[Roshan Shankar @roshankar]

Heard from officers in PWD/Health Dept. of Delhi Government that high-quality high-speed aesthetic recycled container implementation of Mohalla Clinic piloted by @SatyendarJain and @ArchDiscipline is being scuttled inside Dept for prior/less sustainable (money/materials) designs.

[Roshan Shankar @roshankar]

Heard from officers in PWD/Health Dept. of Delhi Government that high-quality high-speed aesthetic recycled container implementation of Mohalla Clinic piloted by @SatyendarJain and @ArchDiscipline is being scuttled inside Dept for prior/less sustainable (money/materials) designs.

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@_atulj HAHAHAHAHA

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@jhong @xtinacomputes This made me chuckle. Good one!

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@jeanpaulcomedy LMAO Hindu Rappers who got beef 😂😂😂

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@agrawalamod @tasneem_ali28 Why would dark mode apps drain battery that fast? Just curious

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@kshanmol Marker for a month: coffee almost over that I had shopped way back

Marker for a week: laundry accrued

[Jimmy Kimmel @jimmykimmel]

At the end of all this, let’s try to remember that the geniuses who told us not to worry about coronavirus are the same geniuses telling us not to worry about #climatechange

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@realvc68 Last row, window seat

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

Got the worst seat in the flight, just coz I didn't check-in on time. Fml

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

It's a 5 hour flight too

[Mayank Vachher @mnkvachher]

@mallika2608 When did you buy the wine bottle? Was it a night for self reflection? The flowers growing out of it should remind you of how much progress you keep making everyday ever since ^_^