nicole

i’ll take u on jerry springer and beat ur ass legally

[nicole @nicole_klis]

Making someone laugh while they’re smoking is attempted murder

[nicole @nicole_klis]

@alexflorias @Dorkstrict Predatory throat is crazyyy

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

prequel to jurassic park called precambrian park. eleven hour film mostly of churning water and the mounting sense that something teems

[Prello @DPrello]

The guy who voted 23 times to deny Americans mandatory paid sick leave just returned back to work at the Senate after receiving 92 days of paid leave

[Ⓜ️ert @mertcentury]

Phone: Do not take your normal way to work. There’s something fucked up with it. Take this bullshit way.

Me: No. I’d rather be late going the normal way than go the bullshit way.

Phone: That was a test, and you passed. Your normal way is 3 minutes faster than the bullshit way

[chloe @sardinecel]

when you grab the dish soap bottle and little bubbles fly out

[wetro boomin @wetroboominww]

Work hours so cooked Apple Maps thinks I live at work and work at my apartment

[Mayor of Simp City @LittleTXMonster]

the absolute greed of BLASTING an ad while pumping gas for $5 a gallon, no amount of money is enough for u freaks

[geriberry @smethngclever]

All the "the internet ruined dating" discourse focuses on apps and ghosting etc. I feel like no one talks about how constant access to men's thoughts and opinions changes how people view potential partners before they even meet them.

[donald boat @laserboat999]

Once you completely unmoor your sleep schedule from the rising and setting of the sun, you can access new, formerly grayed out sections of space-time, sort of the dust in between the stars, and most crucially, use it to cram 48 to 96 hours worth of screen time into one single day

[dale @sixasscat]

you never know when you’re being recorded in this fucking surveillance state.

[Tovar Szn @TovarSzn]

Commemorating 9/11 by doing a low altitude flyover with a commercial aircraft over a decent sized American city

[Christin @hexprax]

Jalapenos aren't spicy anymore. Or maybe they never were. I don't remember anything that ever happened to me in my life.

[I Eat BankTellers @publixdiscount]

How i talk to myself when im bored

[Sensations by Compliments @plopadop]

Me: Hey, come on in! Make yourselves at home! Can I get you guys anything?
My friends:

[Hannah @dumbandfunn]

another day of doing whatever the hell I want :)

[Hustlanani @hustlanani]

I can show you my hand and still win

[m̃ @hexesandspell]

I want reciprocity so intense it borders on telepathy.

[willyum @willyumslife]

Girls be like i wish my boyfriend loved me

[cee @1ovesickkk]

i larp being normal and funny while ive lost the spark for everything