potentiallyluke

[飞天大母猴 @lixin5jtg]

有件趣事可以分享一下。
因为中国禁毒嘛，所以吸毒者线上购买毒品需要用各种代词，其中一个代词就是“糖”
有一个大哥，卖的是真正的糖，但是他假装成毒品卖给吸毒者，就赌吸毒者拿到以后不敢报警。
于是他就这样卖了好几年，赚了很多钱。
警察查到他的时候，以为要立功了，结果发现他卖的就是糖。

[Jümi @cptcoinclipper]

Read better books, dipshit

[carl feynman @carl_feynman]

An atomic toaster: two vertical plates of uranium-235 with a slot in between. Drop a piece of bread into the slot. Hydrogen in the bread moderates the neutrons and the uranium warms up. When the bread is ready, a mechanism pops it out from between the plates. Heavier bread contains more hydrogen, so the plates get hotter and cook faster. It's self adjusting!

[Halimat🥀🌹 @leemarh7099]

“Your mother was quite the talented Potions Witch, Harry. She could brew anything from Wolfsbane to meth. It was truly a sight to behold”

“WHAT?!”

“Well, how did you think they kept me in check during the full moon?” Lupin replied calmly. “The Potions professor in our era was nowhere near as good as Snape is today, so I had to get my Wolfsbane from somewhere.”

“NO, I MEAN THE METH THING!” Harry shouted. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY MOTHER COOKED METH?!”

“Well, she didn't at first. But the Order was running out of money during the war, and we needed a way to convince the residents of Knockturn Alley not to side with Voldemort. Your mother provided a solution.”

Lupin nodded thoughtfully.

“She introduced us to a wonderful Muggle substance called meth. We had Mundungus deal it in Knockturn Alley. It made us enough money to last through the war, and the residents agreed not to side with Voldemort as long as we kept supplying them.”

“I—WHAT—WAIT—MY MOTHER WAS—HOW DID SHE EVEN—WHAT?!”

“Oh, don't worry, Harry. She stopped cooking after she became pregnant with you. For your health, she said.” Lupin tried to placate him.

Harry stared at him, utterly speechless.

“...Of course, it turned out that Voldemort had been buying from her supply. When she stopped, he went on a rampage trying to get his fix. He even broke into your parents' house in a fit of withdrawal, hoping to force her to cook for him again.”

Lupin paused.

“Unfortunately, he ended up killing her by accident.”

“...”

“...Did nobody tell you about this?”

[planefag @planefag]

I pitched a game like this based on framing carpentry but the developer balked at the required peripheral, a USB connected breathalyzer.

I refuse to compromise authenticity!

[Chris'thulu, the Accursed Harbinger 🐙🐲 @komradekhris]

"HEY I'M JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, WELCOME TO JACKASS!"

*opens the Lament Configuration*

[FOXPILE @FrezshDraws]

Bandit Tally, Fox Two!

[Gene @SpaceBasedFox]

So this is just gonna happen on the fucking highway now

[Chris Bakke @ChrisJBakke]

When I try to roll the windows down in my Roadster and I accidentally launch the car 60 feet into the air

[Jeremy Kauffman 🦔🌲🌕 @jeremykauffman]

is the new flying Tesla legal in your state?

[wicked wigger of the west @Nick_Cerveza]

Parking meter attendant power walking toward us while I'm shouting out the gunner hatch for these two stooges to hurry up

[El Jefe @ChaseEnCashe]

This is damn near a legal version of gifting a nigga a brick of heroin

[potentiallyluke @notnotnotluke]

@TallboyPhilosop @Alexbigfoot22 @_smcf The whole tectonic plate just does a backflip

[Simon @_smcf]

Today I was smart enough to know that a magnitude 9.9 quake would be a total Japan extinction event but not smart enough to know that a quake that strong isn't actually possible. I accepted my death in a Shibuya restaurant.

[The Above Party @TheAboveParty]

@ArmedJ0y As a window repair specialist, handing out DD window decals is the highest ROI activity i can do.

[✳️Ⓐ Armed Joy 🔫💣 @ArmedJ0y]

A DD as a truck gun is a great idea.
Cause now you have a broken back window, and I have a brand-new, unfired DD.
Everyone wins!