Not Today Eric

I would like to sit down.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

“Are you free Sunday night”

Are you out of your mind.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

@EllieBaby79 Still deciding. 🤔

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Never underestimate the healing power of watching old movies.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Growing my body out for winter.

[🌻 @snflower500]

Damn twitter people don’t sleep lol

[Matty @bestestname]

Please. I just need closure. Why did you park like that?

[tasman @lildorothy_]

if you pay extra at chilis they let you take your pants off

[S̲uper H̲uman A̲utomated Y̲odeler @_indica_sky]

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Dear kids, this is John Ritter.
He was awesome.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Not to brag but I can carry $100 worth of groceries in one hand.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

*does nothing all day*

How is it already 6 o’clock?

[cow @cowincrisis]

stop saying burgers

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

“Do anything fun today”

I didn’t spend money.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

I don't feel well. Someone bring me a sandwich.

[mark normand @marknorm]

Schindler’s List is good but a little too campy

[Old Man Rattle @oldrattle_]

mcdonalds gave me a free burger because my backstory is tragic

[Danny404 @Daniel890680121]

September flying by like 4 hoes in a Nissan

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Me: hi

Donuts: hey

(sexy music starts playing)

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Grocery stores should replace these with tissues for all the crying at checkout.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Can’t believe I stayed home all day tomorrow.

[highFashion @rahman_jago_]

Unlike the stomach, the brain doesn't alert you when it's empty.