James Wells

I'm never going to be short, fat, or bald. So... I got that going for me.

[House of Comedy @HouseOfComedyMN]

Congrats to our winner @oneleafclever for winning this years Funniest Person @HouseOfComedyMN. Congrats James! #drinkdinelaugh

[Bryan Miller @realbryanmiller]

I you can't tell Waylon from Merle, you don't get to have a strong opinion on what doesn't count as country music.

[Arby’s Provocateur @SamGrittner]

Pearl Jam Tampons: For Heavy or Even Flow™

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

The best way to get rid of the Mondays after a hard day of collecting unemployment is a cold beer and listening to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

There are more Chinese symbols tattooed on Americans than there are people in China.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

Whenever I see someone with a Harley Davidson logo tattoo, I see someone who got a tattoo of their favorite t-shirt.

[danzorz @danzorz]

I'm opening a store that gives away free 2x4s with every purchase. I call it "Planks for Nothing".

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

If I wouldn't have found my girlfriend at the bar when I did, I still would have found her, but years later at an AA meeting.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

I told her she needs to stop stealing the blanket. She told me I need to start guarding it.

[Doug Stanhope @DougStanhope]

Please take a day and tag everyone in all of your FB photos as "Prophet Mohammed."

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

The reason things are so bad in Detroit now is because God is punishing it's people for Insane Clown Posse.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

@CupofHate I own two, one traditional denim and one tan.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

If you're at Mortimer's during the day more than at night you have a drinking problem.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

Does anyone know how to play the flute? I want to start a Marshall Tucker Band tribute.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

I wonder if Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger will name their first born son Bryan Adams?

[Trevor L. Wade @TWade612]

Sept. 29th, 2012 #TheComedyCornerUnderground & #WadeNTheWaterEnt presents "The Brothas 8 & 10pm, $9 @BrandonRiddley http://t.co/bS9cC2Be

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

Could someone finally organize a World's Greatest Procrastinator contest so I can win.

[Irvine Welsh @IrvineWelsh]

I wish to fuck Facebook would do the honorable thing and go the way of My Space.

[James Wells @oneleafclever]

There are no good places in a one bedroom apartment to hide a fart from someone you love.