BeachLover

Wanna race? Fast car, fast reflexes, fast middle finger. Pretty much suck at everything else.

[BeachLover @OneOfTheseNites]

Oh, you're gonna regret following me
It's just a matter of time

[Donna T @sweetg35]

Limits are meant to be pushed.

[BeachLover @OneOfTheseNites]

Shhh. I'm trying to up my LinkedIn game.

[Jackson @kerouac741]

I like what's not happening here.

[YouLookLikeAMom @youlooklikeamom]

Hmm. I haven’t talked to her for two years. Lemme just text and ask her what she’s wearing.

- Men

[Son of Dad @ThugRaccoons]

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

[818 @818Newbie]

‘Oh, I get it now.’
Me, the following day.

[🇺🇸 Happy ChillMore™ 🇨🇦 @cravin4]

All I'm saying is bad orgasm faces are one of the reasons premarital sex is important.

[Betty @BoomBoomBetty]

Your spirit animal is something sexy and ferocious? Awesome. Mine is an ice cube.

[Chris P Bacon @gitson_shiggles]

"Hi, my name is Chris & I'll be your Twitter tour guide for the evening. On the left are the lunatics... Haha, kidding, they're everywhere."

[Lounge Fly @mrjohntofu]

Officer - How fast do you think you were going?

Me - it's my birthday year.

[BeachLover @OneOfTheseNites]

Yeah, I’m back. Let me apologize in advance. 💋

[Ryan 🇺🇸 @dsylixec]

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny, and funny is what we all want.

Rest in peace, Dr. Hawking.

[CantWaitToNap… @SheMightHave]

Don’t make me take you off my stalking list.