AnOnion

[AnOnion @onion_an]

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
"I didn't know birds could climb trees"

[AnOnion @onion_an]

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[work meeting]

Cartoon editor: Ok guys, we still need a name for the guitar playing fish. Any ideas?

Me: [quickly raises hand]

Cartoon editor: If you say Swimi Hendrix again you’re fired

Me: [slowly lowers hand]

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[loudly so the hot girl at work who’s boyfriend died can hear me]: I’m not likely to die anytime soon

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[work meeting]

Cartoon editor: Ok guys, we still need a name for the guitar playing fish. Any ideas?

Me: [quickly raises hand]

Cartoon editor: If you say Swimi Hendrix again you’re fired

Me: [slowly lowers hand]

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Date: Ask me anything

Me: What’s your favourite celebrity with a bird surname?

Date: Um, I dunno.... Tony Hawk

Me: Mine is Daffy Duck

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[both kneeling in kitchen]

Girlfriend: It pains me to say this but you have to choose between me and your karate obsession

Me: Pain does not exist in this dojo does it?

Girlfriend [huge sigh]: No sensei

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Date: Which famous person would you most like to meet, alive or dead?

Me [mouthful of mashed potato]: An alive one

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Wife:"Can you take the dog out?"

Me googling do ghost bees exist:"I'm busy"

My dog sitting next to me:"Well do they or not?"

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Vet: Your dog is pregnant

Me: Oh my god

Vet: You seem surprised

Me: I am, I didn't even know she was dating

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Gf [driving me home]: I can't believe you punched my boss

Me: He tried to headbutt me

Gf: He's Japanese they bow their heads as a greeting

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Coworker: I don’t know why he has to make a drama of everything

Me [gets up from floor after being hit on the head by a paperclip] I’m slightly concussed but I’m ok

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Alfred [spills pancake mix over batmans cape]: Dang it

Robin: More like the creped crusader, amirite?

Alfred [rubbing stain with cloth]: It’s coming off

Robin: I said more like the crep...

Batman: I heard you the 1st time

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Marriage counsellor: What's the problem?

Wife: He makes bad puns about animals with gunshot wounds

Me: Holey Moley that's not true

[ᵇ ᵒ ᵒ ᵗ ʰ ʸ @BoothysTweets]

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too...

Her: uh huh, I guess...

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[at aquarium]
That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
"Octopi"
Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

[AnOnion @onion_an]

[walks over to kid and bursts his balloon] That’s air. Air is for everybody not just you.

[AnOnion @onion_an]

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?