Paternity… Tested

latine scripto quaedam nugalia. my tweets are my own.

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@gambino_charlie That adult diaper is hard to hide

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@AdamKinzinger @PeteButtigieg 2028. I don’t care who is running in which position

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@janvoss “My car’s a squirter”

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Watching The Tick and I decided there should be an elderly superhero called Osteo-Ferocious @TheTickTV

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@ProfBrianCox @robinince @bgreene Is there a habitable zone in the accretion disk of a black hole? Moreover, is there a perfect spot that would have the right amount matter that it creates 1atm of pressure… so you could like… go out without a space suit? #infinitemonkeycage

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This got my FB account restricted. Really? Facebook has 0 sense of humor

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@clintlcarter That’s what 38 looked like to me as a kid

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4 yr old climbed in to her freshly made bed and said "wow mommy set up my bed so cool"…feverishly rearranged her stuffed animals-- "it would have been nicer if she did the stuffies right.... like this..." gestures to what appears to be identical arrangement.

#parenting #kids

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I’m on the couch. My daughter walked over & whispered “daddy, close your eyes.” She hopped up on the couch & farted directly in my face.

She laughed so hard she got the hiccups.

She says they are my fault.

Follow me for more parenting tips.

#fatherhood #parenting

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Imagine: a company that is just people with really bad adhd roaming free following whatever their current hyperfixation is.

We would solve so many problems.

Of course 50% of our output would be solutions to oddly specific problems that don’t matter to anybody else. #adhd

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@erin_new_shoes And you were batshit before that

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Has @danacarvey ever teamed up with #MartinShort as Giminie Glick’s brother?

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PITCH: Bro-nly Fans—a site where you watch just a bunch of dudes hang out… drink beer… play N64 and talk shit without their wives or children destroying their wills to live #fatherhood #BronlyFans #parenthood #adulting #onlyfans

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@BernieTweets What a fresh take

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Turning 38 hurts… but Nick Offerman’s @LagavulinWhisky helps take the edge off

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@AdamRutherford *fart sound*

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Hey, @YETICoolers— #parenting question— if I have leftover milk in my daughters pink container… is it better to put it in with the straw open or closed? #science @donttrythis

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@erin_new_shoes It’s a collab with Robert Mondavi and Triscuits

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@LauraBedrossian “Yeah… those bitches are expensive. We don’t have refrigeration so pretty much if you can’t grow it or kill it you’re not eating it”

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@Frankie_D_Jr @Brewenthusiast Who?