Peter

Northern Irish ☘️ lawyer in London.

[Peter @peter_mccorkell]

@fplcopilot 3886

[Sean Leahy @thepunningman]

Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi

[Ciara Knight @Ciara_Knight]

I edited the Immaculate Conception Wikipedia page to make it more factually correct

[ŵ͂̌́͝͡ylde d̵̛̛̜͉̰͈̩͙͌̈̉̆̋̊͡͡e b̡͇̲̏́̐̓̐́̇eest @flashember]

[Stock market crashes]
"Oh no, I better check on my investments!"
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[son's football game]
Other dad: which one's yours?
Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

[Cool Eric @OBiiieeee]

should i kick my uncle's ass

[EPL Bible @EPLBible]

Without a doubt the greatest video of Jurgen Klopp... http://t.co/7Quah2elms

[kid gruesome @smeagolsfree]

For his highly unethical and illegal behavior, FIFA President Sepp Blatter finally got what was coming to him: a crushing 90-day suspension

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[meeting son's teacher for the first time]
Teacher: so you must be his father?
Me: we're not sure. There were a lot of us there that night

[That Girl @myonlymizztake]

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

[Anna Nonymous @osoplain]

I'm feeling happier than a catfish with unlimited data

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

washing machines don't wash clothes
people wash clothes

[Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake]

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.

[GoaT FacE @EndhooS]

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

[Thynebear @Thynebear]

[Jesus at the bar]
"Oh, I'll just have a water"
*winks at camera*

[pat tobin @tastefactory]

The Moon: Hey guys remember me from the blood moon? Well I'm still here check me out!
Us: Shut the hell up you piece of shit

[the garbage shit boy @davedittell]

You can lead a horse to cigarettes but you can't make him enjoy the smooth delicious flavor of Marlboro Lights™