Corn Syrup

Corporate Weapon | Committed to the Bit

[Corn Syrup @plataakais]

time to prioritise being a little creature

[bum @BattleRapBum]

mitch johnson clipboard had no plays it just said “I am a faggøt” 212 times

[Integrity Guy @Integrity_Freak]

No ma’am, I don’t have a boarding pass. I’m simply here to enjoy the world famous dining and nightlife at O’Hare International Airport

[doomer @uncledoomer]

saving 20% of my income so that in 30 years i can afford 11 months of assisted living. the math is airtight

[Ienka @ankyhaidy]

sorry, you know i'd love to play in quicksand with you, but i can't. because of what happens

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

I've never paid "top dollar" for anything. Even if I was wealthy, I doubt I wou- hang on. Imagine if I was wealthy. Whoa. All that money, mine... I need to hoard it. I need to hoard my wealth. I have money now and I need to hoard it.

[krimbo @fuckasparagus]

there's a lot of people that need to get put inside a microwave

[turbomander @turbomander]

calling my uncircumcised friend adam sandler because he’s an uncut gem

[Jasmine('s boobs hurt) @Ranting_Trans]

Why is sucking a dick an insult? You have someone's most sensitive part between the most powerful muscles in the human body. The dick sucker is the person in power in this situation.

My therapist, underlining the word "euthanasia" repeatedly: "Yea for real dude"

[Mitya @Discollaborator]

Passed a man whose shirt read "I found love in Niles, Illinois." My heart lept. Romance had triumphed yet again. I turn, and see plastered across the back "And it was only 200 bucks!" Ah. Nothing but a cruel mockery. This bitter cynicism will save no one.

[barrel rolls @barrel_rolls]

don’t be like that your honor

[Corn Syrup @plataakais]

@BiggJibbs ledgers !

[Mia @boygrrI]

public transit is not that bad if you bring a jbl speaker

[໊ @wynavira]

what if we were ibuprofriends

[chatpile roan @chatpileroan]

a beautiful woman named beep is trying to contact me through my carbon monoxide alarm

[cabby @cabby]

Oh fuck the wolf is actually here this time. Thank god I’m always doing wolf drills so people will be prepared when I warn them.

[intern @intern]

hey man just wanted to reach out and say i loved how much you drank at the networking event last night

[Blake ™ @NeilNevins]

My adult son (who I hate) came home from seeing The Mario’s Galaxy movie. He said “don’t read the reviews. This one’s for the fans,” then put a green egg popcorn bucket on my kitchen table while talking about Daisy being “the hot one”

[ali @probablyalissa]

Omw to make it eight

[Labhaoise @labhaoise99]

Clocks go forward tonight - which means that the clock in my car will be correct again for another 6 months

[Johnny @htownrocket78]

Tiger Woods? The famous motorist?