meatshirt

welcome to my car where i live now

[. @SuiNeltwork]

New olivia rodrigo themed ride called “cry upside down”

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

im starting to think this stress relief tea is bullshit

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[anytime im minorly inconvenienced] this is like dying

[brent @murrman5]

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

[donni saphire @donni]

Life is simply about having the same few experiences thousands of times, then one time you fight a snake

[. @SuiNeltwork]

Please welcome Prince Phillip to the haunted mansion ride

[Bridger Winegar @bridger_w]

I imagine it would be difficult to demand a divorce while sitting in a rocking chair

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

Having a fully mature frontal lobe sucks, I want to shoot a gun at the microwave without worrying about it

[donni saphire @donni]

Not today, Satan. Soon, though. Please call my secretary to reschedule

[. @SuiNeltwork]

We’re building a new ride based off the United States Senate. The ride will cut your head off and then run you over

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

[doing any part of my job] This is the part of the job I hate

[butt sword @buttsword]

i need to divorce my wife before she divorces me

[butt sword @buttsword]

colleague: how was your weekend
me: i did cocaine with a horse

[village fetish @botandy]

at last

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

not to brag but I can read a whole book and immediately forget everything about it

[Abam @AdamBroud]

HER:I love Tolstoy's take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

[♥mark magark♥ @markedly]

How much bad news can we handle in one day? 9? 9 bad news? Is it 9?

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

Why are all the fortune cookies I get filled with hair?

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

I have called the cops on shania twain you’re welcome