Rando

I go to seek a great perhaps

[Rando @randyrandoman]

Age 5: i can be anything
Age 14: i can still be most things
Age 22: there is like maybe 7 things i can do

[𝓷𝔁𝔂𝓲𝓮 @glooomiii]

i know a spot

*takes you into my arms under a soft blanket*

[Barb Vermeir 🇬🇾🇬🇾🇬🇾 @hotgrippz]

I’ll quit smoking if they invent another activity that lets me leave a group and go stand outside on my own for 5-10 minutes

[tabitha arnold @thetolerantweft]

why is there never an outbreak of something nice

[BuffaloRon @BuffaloRon]

Me: I'm going to eat healthy

Lettuce: I'm going to give you explosive diarrhea

Oreos in the pantry: I would never do that to you

[¿ @umlarp]

putting in my too weak notice

[kiesha @kiesha9i]

People laugh about how cats love boxes, but if there was suddenly a box bigger than you in your living room, you'd probably go in it too.

[Charlie Ledger @CharlieLedgerX]

Nobody is doing it like me because this is probably not the right way to do it

[greg @gandalf_thegreg]

toddlers to people with deformities in the grocery store

[roku @rokuxvii]

i think she's using me for my terrible looks and bad dick and no money

[Cameron Bradford @camerobradford]

[Trying to do a yo mamma joke but I’m too empathetic]

*tenderly grasping your hand*

Is your mother still struggling with her weight?

[clay ⛷️ @hanfjob]

I know the Bud Light but I fuck with it heavy

[ཐི𖥔ཋྀ @GenyaTheHag]

i pulled the sword from the stone too i just didn’t make a big deal about it

[^_^ @misandrism]

My deviled egg recipe is one ingredient, the egg, because I believe the devil is already in there and you must carve until you set him free.

[fitlit @deathbysalesman]

I was trying to use a straight razor to shave "down there" and ended up cutting my penis clean in half. So I'm going to be, maybe. 15 minutes late,

[swinky @swinkying]

you are barking up the Right tree. i love you

[Benny Feldman @Feldfrog]

I don’t really know the difference between pro biotic and pre biotic . But this soda trusts that I do. And to be trusted by soda? That’s the warm home of family to a guy like me

[JP @jpbrammer]

the phrase "lipstick on a pig" has always inspired a deep sadness in me. I think of the pig, looking forward to her big night out, and I bring myself to the verge of tears.

[bella horne @neutralcowboy]

Real reason men can open jars is they never moisturize their hands. when I’m done with after shower slime time I can barely turn a door knob

[chloe star @snowiecone]

i cant find my vape guys lets split up and look for clues