Rantisms

Epic Rants on YouTube -

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

Twitter not letting you edit your typos is the Internet equivalent of making you sit in the corner and think about your mistakes. Forever.

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

Picking out an outfit to go buy a new car is rough. I don't want to pull up on the lot and have my future car think "Look at this bitch."

[Corey Miller @StopEatingBees]

I did all my sock laundry yesterday, and now my washing machine is four months pregnant.

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Few things are more exhilarating than a mystery USB stick at the bottom of a forgotten drawer.

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

How to win at life...go back to bed. #winning #you'rewelcome

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

Does reading all of your old tweets count as self development? Asking for a friend.

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

Advice for the day? Keep them wanting more people.

A.K.A. Stop blowing up people's Instagram feeds with your nonsense.

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

I've come out of hiding to ask for money #TurkishAirlines4Somalia #TurkishAirlinesHelpSomalia https://t.co/uwXbs92YEw

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

I like to take a pregnancy test every once in awhile simply to confirm to myself that I'm just fat, not pregnant.

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

Bitch, what are you so busy doing that you can't be my phone right now?

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

Everyone gets my kindness and compassion. Except idiots. They get nothing.

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

I'm eating a full size bag of tortilla chips while waiting for my food in the McDonald's drive-thru. So yeah.

[DevilryFun @DevilryFun]

Research shows the most popular side dishes are drugs and alcohol and they can lessen the chances of a family murder during the Holidays.

[Frankzulla @frankzulla]

"I'm a very sexual man" I sputter with a mouthful of potatoes and sausage before taking a swig of beer while wearing black socks and crocs.

[SHANtilly Lace @theshantilly]

Please don't hit me, please don't hit me...

- Me driving around bra-less

[mark @TheCatWhisprer]

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

[jo @whatsJo]

OMG I can't believe we have to deal with Millennials for like a thousand more years.

[Twin Dad @TwinSurvivalist]

What if autocorrect is just trying to guide us to what we should be saying and we are messing with fate by not obeying?

[Rantisms @Rantisms]

My advice to my single friends: Don't fret! If Donald Trump can convince 3 different people to marry him, you can find someone. I promise.