Jake Fedders

2016 GE Water Balloon Toss Co-champion 2014 Triangle Fraternity Cornhole Co-champion

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

@Hamster__Huey Hehe. Duty

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Jan Levinson-Gould >>> Jan Levinson

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Just noticed I've applied to nearly 400 jobs with the word "techonology" in my resume.

As my high school math teacher would say: "I think Rally's is still hiring."

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Nothing like a loving text from my mom

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

@ADT needs a commercial where Macaulay Culkin arms his home security system and Joe Pesci goes to jail.
I imagine it ends with Culkin saying something like "Protect your home for only seven dollars a week. Call 1-800-796-0195 to get your free quote today."

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

If asbestos is so bad, why do they call it asBESTos? Sounds pretty good to me

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

If chocolte milk doesnt come from brown cows, them why does white milk allegedly come from white cows?
These facts arent adding up. Bovine farmers are struggling to keep their stories straight

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Its bothersome that Jack and Jill went UP the hill to fetch the pail of water. In my experience, water gathers at geographic low points. I'd be fascinated to take a tour of their property.

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Famous Bridges:

Brooklyn
Golden Gate
Bridgette Jones Diary
Bridge and Groom wedding cake toppers
Tacoma Narrows
Jeff Bridges
Heartbreak Bridge
The card game old people play
Mackinac Bridge

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Was the first one to stand up after lecture. Rest of the class followed me out the door. Thats leadership. Hire me @elonmusk @NASA @MicrosoftSK @realDonaldTrump @JeffImmelt @Walgreens @Shell @SherwinWilliams @tomhanks @ThePSF @livestrong @Xbox

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Parents told me to find PCP. Turns out they meant Primary Care Physician...Ive made a terrible mistake.

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Ideas for start-ups:

Shoes with built-in socks
Pizza that orders itself (no pineapple)
Dirty Dancing soundtrack, but every track is Time of My Life
Youtube ads that pay the viewer
Unsliced bread. Retro is in
Hats that wash your hair

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

And is global warming caused by chlorofluorocarbon or chloroskyocarbon?

TRICK QUESTION: Glibal warming is caused by the Fonz being so damn cool and nature trying to even him out through the laws of themodynamics

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

And wht do you clean your teeth with fluoride, not mouthide?

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Whats up with fluorescent lights? They arent on the floor, theyre on the ceiling. Shouldnt they be ceilingescent lights.

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

What do you call a famous vegetable?

A celerybrity.

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Why did the author make everyone call him Bic?

It was his...pen name.

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Did you hear about the rower that went to the hospital?

He had a stroke
Stroke
Stroke
Stroke
Stroke
Stroke
Stroke

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

Who did the farmer hire to plow his field?

A conTRACTOR.

[Jake Fedders @realJakeFedds]

I started a tennis company. I had to COURT some investors. Hopefully it'll NET them good profits.

SERVING up these puns sure is a RACKET.