Rigo

Me han llamado el Ronaldinho de los tacos. Pero logro más con menos dientes.

[Rigo @rigelme10]

@billycarpy Look up what “hincapié” and “hincar el pié” mean in spanish. You’ll love it @billycarpy

[Chris Dixon @chrismd10]

My body does not know the difference between an Arsenal football match and being hunted for sport

[Mike F @DeputyWarlock]

if i ever found out a mouse lived in my home, and he had a small archway in the wall, and he lived in there with small, real furniture, and he ventured out nightly to get one olive or a small wedge of cheese. i would stop at nothing to end his life. i would spare no expense

[PoopWagon @poopwagon_]

*spits mouthful of blood onto floor*
You’ve become far more powerful since we last crossed paths

Dentist: Please stop, there’s literally a sink right next to you

[Paul @Paulgarcia22G]

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card
Me: So we fight here?
GE: what?
Me: i fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or..
GE: Oh ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you will taste defeat

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

Crazy that the Jurassic Park was so good at making dinosaurs but so bad at making fences. Like, of the two, fences are much easier.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Love that cops can either tell your precise blood alcohol level right away or have you attempt a series of parlor tricks

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I'd love it if you'd hold my baby.

[Stockmann @T_Stockmann]

"Es imposible", dijo la intuición.
"Es una barbaridad", dijo la razón.
"Tú puedes con todas las croquetas", dijo la experiencia.

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don't like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don't bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I'm gonna light this flamethrower.

[Rigo @rigelme10]

@jon_bois What?? Of course it isn’t

Horsecollar tackle, watch the right hand

[Mike Primavera @primawesome]

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

[matt @dogfather]

Alien1: ok they're finally advanced enough to visit
Alien2: *spots me about to shake up bottle of OJ while the lid isn't on tight* hold up

[Anna narama. @AnnaISpain]

Entrenador fitness: Escucha a tu cuerpo.
Mi cuerpo: Quédate en el sofá con tu manta calentita, qué haces dando saltitos y patadas, no tienes un predador natural, estás a salvo, vuelve a casa y come.

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

(Forrest holding 2 smoothies watching the towers fall)

Forrest voiceover: ah neva was able to bring Brandon his smoothie

[Pedro Torrijos @Pedro_Torrijos]

Es lo que pasa cuando tienes el tipo de Ryan Gosling.

Si yo me pongo ese traje, lo que parezco es un narcotraficante cubano en el Miami de 1983, y de los que mueren a los 15 minutos de peli.

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

[dog trial]
D.A.: Who's a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
*jury gasps*

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

[Chacarrandainas @esmendrello]

La reencarnación:

ENHORABUENA! Has terminado esta partida!

->Volver a jugar como hombre occidental blanco
->Cambiar juego a nivel difícil