YOU CAUGHT ME AIR DONGY!!!! JEWISH WHAT YOU CALL CRIMES FOR HUMANITY
================================================================================ DEPARTMENT OF MITZVAH CORRECTIONS BUREAU OF CHESED INVESTIGATIONS RAP SHEET: CHRONIC GOOD DEED OFFENDER ================================================================================ SUBJECT RECORD: #MITZVAH-770-GOOD DATE OF LOG: October 14, 2026 STATUS: HABITUAL DO-GOODER THREAT LEVEL: AGGRESSIVELY KIND -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SUBJECT INFORMATION -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject Name: [Insert Name] Known Aliases: "The Mensch", "Captain Bagel Delivery", "The Good Samaritan" Distinguishing: Carries extra napkins everywhere; constantly smiling in mugshots; physically unable to walk past a grocery cart left in a parking space. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RECORDED OFFENSES & CITATIONS -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHARGE #001: UNLAWFUL PEDESTRIAN CONVOY (GRADE 1 KINDNESS) Offense: Assisting Senior Citizens Across High-Traffic Intersections. Details: Subject repeatedly spotted taking grandmothers by the elbow and escorting them across the crosswalk, regardless of whether they originally intended to cross that street or not. Disposition: GUILTY of Extreme Chivalry. Sentence: Mandatory cup of hot tea and a pinch on both cheeks. CHARGE #002: AGGRAVATED LEFTOVER FORCING Offense: Failure to Let Guests Leave Without Aluminum Foil Packages. Details: Subject apprehended sending visitors home with four containers of brisket, noodle kugel, and half a babka despite vocal protests that their fridge was already full. Disposition: CONVICTED. Sentence: Banned from buying Tupperware for 90 days. CHARGE #003: SOLICITATION OF UNSOLICITED ADVICE (CHUTZPAH DEGREE) Offense: Excessive Inquiring About Eating Habits. Details: Subject interrogated multiple adults with: "You look skinny, are you eating enough?" followed by forceful presentation of a second helping. Disposition: Pled No Contest. Sentence: Sentenced to 50 hours of competitive kvelling. CHARGE #004: RECKLESS PARKING DISCIPLINE Offense: Unauthorized Cart Wrangling. Details: Subject intercepted stray shopping carts rolling toward innocent car doors and returned them directly to the corral. Disposition: GUILTY. Sentence: Community praise. CHARGE #005: RESISTING BAD TASTE (FIRST-DEGREE COMPLIMENTING) Offense: Excessive Compliment Distribution. Details: Subject approached unsuspecting strangers and remarked enthusiastically on their shoes, jacket, or sweater with zero provocation. Disposition: RECIDIVIST. Sentence: Unconditional hugs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SUPERVISING RABBI / OFFICER NOTES -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Supervision Status: UNREHABILITATED. Subject demonstrates zero remorse for spread of warmth, joy, and nosh. Rehabilitation deemed impossible; subject will likely commit further mitzvot before sundown. Case Officer: Rabbi Silverstein, Badge #18 (L'Chaim Division) ================================================================================
Well I am selling the truth about Islam and they eat it like it was candy! Their prophet married a 6 year old and consummated the mrriage at 9. I guess you approve of such things being a champion of liberal causes. He is supposed to be an example to all his people! Some example he was!