Rupert Franklin

I'm especially good at expectorating

[Rupert Franklin @rupert_franklin]

"Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall"
"Send all my men"
"But excellency I..."
"And all of my horses too"
"I don't..."
"ALL OF THEM!"

[mutable joe @mutablejoe]

embarrassing that they call it the booker prize, the correct word is "author"

[Alf!! - Comedian @whoelsebutalf]

I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when.

[cigaret easton ellis @genderised]

as a child i never realised winnie the pooh’s friend piglet was wearing a jumper. i always interpreted it as some kind of segmented carapace

[Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91]

Me: [Has never touched cocaine]

Me every time I'm at the airport: Oh no what if I accidentally packed a lot of cocaine

[Moose Allain Ꙭ @MooseAllain]

Giraffe camouflage

[Flups @TheRealFlups]

Bruce Roarsyth.

[Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw]

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

[Simon Blackwell @simonblackwell]

I do not
Know how to write
A haiku
That funny old man from Dundee.

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

Dog 911: what's ur emergency?

Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK

Dog 911: so?

Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN'T COME BACK

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

[T'Other Simon Out of Plastic Jeezus @TOther_Simon]

What a way to make a living.

[Jeffw @Jeffwni]

- "I love Beyoncé...

- Whatever floats your boat dude.

- No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'.

- …"

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

Her: Who's your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn't count
Me: I can assure you that he does

[Jamie Jones @JamieDMJ]

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

[Hannah Al-Othman @HannahAlOthman]

How your email finds me:

[GlennyRodge @GlennyRodge]

Dodecahedron (noun): a decahedron, a female decahedron.

[Brendan O'Hare @brendohare]

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you're having them for dinner

[James Mellor @JamesDFMellor]

One of my cartoons from the previous Private Eye. One I'm rather fond of, as it happens.
I'm happy to also have a couple in the new edition - out today!

[mutable joe @mutablejoe]

being a successful vampire is about failing to engage with relevant stakeholders