Sarcastic Dad

Married, kids, clever with words, and putting the lowlights of my life on display for your enjoyment.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

I recorded my son when he was younger yelling at me to wake up in the morning...

Now that he’s older I use it to wake him up in the morning by playing it through his room’s speakers. Loud.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

Anybody else out there currently using a smaller vacuum to clean their normal vacuum?

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

I react to a co-worker’s new zoom virtual background like my kids react to their friend’s new Fortnite skin

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

My Face ID didn’t recognize me again this morning and if that doesn’t sum up parenting in a nutshell I don’t know what does.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

Got a “get read for back to school” email from Walmart today. That one hit differently...

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

It’s noon and my kids are dressed. Class dismissed!

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

Pouring one out for all the parents out there that thought they wanted to be teachers or run a daycare one day...

At least now you know the truth.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

We’ve officially regressed on our grade 3 lessons... my son is now unable to read the word “I” and it’s time for teacher to have a morning drink.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

Of course my kids decide to wake up at 6am for school now...

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

Went on a field trip last week. Just drove out to the country, found an open field, and let my kids run free...

I should go check on them

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

New respect for teachers... I don’t know how your liver can handle being forced by children to drink this much

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

It’s an oddly depressing feeling when a day goes by and I didn’t get a package from Amazon

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

This quarantine is my birth control.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

I guess all those times my son “wiped” his butt were practice for when toilet paper was in short supply.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

For those of you keeping score at home, the couch in my basement looks fine against any of the 4 walls.

What should I do tomorrow?

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

I might be saving money, but I’m losing years off my life being locked inside with my children.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

I no longer need to think of excuses for why my kids’ annoying friends can’t come over.

The glass can be half full if you try hard enough.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

Trying to keep my kids busy... I gave them a puzzle and hid 3 of the pieces.

They don’t get to watch TV until they finish.

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

@BlueJays SARCASTIC DAD 00 Blue!

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

Dropping your phone on the floor of a public restroom when you’re in the stall is a brand new form of hitting rock bottom

[Sarcastic Dad @sarcasticdad_]

What do you tell your kids when they find your stash of candy wrappers you eat at night when they are sleeping?

Asking for a friend.