Bryan

Give me words and I'll give you stories.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

He envies the squirrel outside his office window; its life is free, unencumbered. He pours himself a scotch. Squirrels can't drink scotch.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

You don't choose them, they choose you.

#dachshund
#dachshundsofinstagram
#dachshundpuppy @ City Pups https://t.co/DJqhW7eI6w

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

His wedding vows mostly revolve around installing the terrible hardware that she keeps buying and none of it fits, and that's how you know it's gonna last.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

@CrunchGym On that note, in the future it'd be awesome to search multiple gyms (faves?) at once through the app. In NYC I have 12 gyms within 3 miles.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

@CrunchGym With the site update, I only see currently bookable classes (22hrs) & can't search fave gyms / instructors. Is this by design?

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

She needs him, desperately; she wants him more than Seamless wants you to review and rate that $7 Chinese delivery.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

The man on television is surprisingly well dressed, considering that he's commentating on an arm wrestling competition.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

In the nightmare, he isn't naked in front of a crowd, but he's forgotten a tie clip, so, pretty much the same thing.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

"I can't feel my face when I'm with you," he whispers softly, and she shakes her head. "Stop talking to the Vindaloo," she says.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

He gets the Camaro, but in an act of spite, she keeps the t-tops. He can no longer cruise in the rain.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

The divorce mediation is not going well; he really wants the Nascar commemorative plates, and she really wants him to suffer.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

Walking down 6th Avenue in a $2,000 suit, no one suspects he's listening to "Rump Shaker."

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

@CatherineLMK "Snarf" is latin for "cheers."

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

“We need to work on our communication,” she tells him. “Did you say something?” he asks.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

They had an open relationship where they saw other people, but not an open relationship where they talked about their feelings.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

@bourgeoisalien This is you. https://t.co/BcfN5RHxBF

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

She accidentally said "I love you" on the first date, then had to spend their entire marriage feigning a very specific form of Tourette's.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

The pop-up book about ninjas was so realistic he was stabbed twice on the first page and his entire family was murdered in the denouement.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

He lives alone so he can take his pants off right as he walks in the door, a habit which has left him no longer welcome at Applebee���s.

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

"Do you walk in the ways of the Lord?" he asks. "That depends," she replies, "does the Lord cut through Bryant Park on his way to work?"

[Bryan @scenesfromahat]

His horoscope says he meets the woman of his dreams today; he's skeptical but calls in sick just in case. His dreams mostly involve clowns.