The 2 Sandwiches Diet

[Shaun Johnson @ShyBucketGetter]

LeBron James

[Never break kayfabe @Quadripolar_B]

Type of music that plays in a movie when the main character’s parents go away for the weekend and he plans a party

[Will 🦥 Menaker @willmenaker]

As someone who according to 23andMe has 90+% Anglo-Celtic ancestry, when I look at Erling Haaland I feel like I have epigenetic memories of someone like him putting an axe through my skull.

[Charlie Kirk @charliekirk11]

“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

I quit playing triangle in that reggae band.

It was the same ting over and over.

[chuck 🏔 @crowcialist]

Anyone else noticing lately that the elastic on the boxer briefs they’ve had since 2016 isn’t holding up anymore? Planned obsolescence…these capitalist fucks…

[proxy𖤐 @pluckedseraphim]

i hate cutting oranges at a bar bc it only gets used once, in a blue moon

[julian @YEAROFTHEWIZARD]

My bad, I thought you said 2 Brilliant dollars. No i dont have that much

[matt @mattybtweets69]

The news/society: stop eating Trader Joe’s frozen meals. There is glass in them and they are harmful to your health

Me: I’m da glass man

[law dog, esq. @ggooooddddoogg]

i’ve never seen a cybertruck parked at the library

[JD Vance @JDVance]

Remember when we learned that our wealthiest and most powerful people were connected to a guy who ran a literal child sex trafficking ring? And then that guy died mysteriously in a jail? And now we just don't talk about it.

[Alvin Kamara @A_kamara6]

They called my patna a dipshit in aspen and I ain appreciate dat. Shit was degrading 😂😂

[Thomas White @len0killer]

COVID really did take away our 40s💔

[Bill Ari @ImBillRay]

the first FBI agent who read the "if you read this you are gay lmao" casing

[carter hambley @carterhambley]

you can tell a person’s in a very dark place when a fortune cookie means a lot to them

[Mcdonald's#1 Wairror unarmed combat @TWOHANDEDSOWRD]

Dude that fucking sucks so bad**blows my vape smoke in your face* thats so fucked up that happend to u

[Berwyn Choobs @sabatonfan69]

15 years ago randomness meant everything. You could just tacos xD your way out of most conversations. Now of days they lock you up for saying things like that.

[Kat @ollkorrect0]

[every muscle of my body fully tensed] just chilling, you?