chRis

avi by @70ceeks

[chRis @seethenare]

sometimes I change my password just to get an email

[chRis @seethenare]

ME: [very whiny man voice] oh god, I'm so sick
HER: come on, it's just a cold. Suck it up.
ME: ha, okay.
(In my head)

[chRis @seethenare]

ALIEN: My Queen, have you seen this?
QUEEN: The fuck? Ready my ship. The citizens of Los Sphincter will not be mocked.

[chRis @seethenare]

[alien on the 7th planet from the sun taps into our internet and finds out what we named his home] the fuck?

[skepanie @goodhairperson]

been slapping moms on the butt and saying "good momming out there" all day

[brent @murrman5]

me measuring doorframe with my arms: it doesn't make sense because we got it in here no problem
other pallbearer: let's try twisting it

[chRis @seethenare]

When mom lets you wear your new shoes out of the store

[chRis @seethenare]

[me narrating a documentary about snakes]
*just dead air because I'm hiding behind my mom*

[Mayor P and 11 others retweeted 3 of your tweets. @punmagnate]

Cut to me frantically scraping the felt off.my pool table before Kermit comes over for dinner

[She’s A Real Genius🥸 @ShesARealGenius]

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c'mere
Me: Don't come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

[Lord Pinky @HiddenPinky]

Your password must contain at least two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.

[chRis @seethenare]

No nightmares tonight for THIS fella.
*turns brightness on TV way up to play Mario Kart's 'Banshee Boardwalk'*

[chRis @seethenare]

"WARNING: Muthafuckas Be Pullin Sick Endos Ahead"

[chRis @seethenare]

@punmagnate @Angibangie Hey, thanks! He said, weeks later

[chRis @seethenare]

@HiddenPinky Of course I take a break from Twitter and miss the coveted Pinky FF. Thanks, buddy!

[Brian M. M. Doyle @WritePlay]

ME: *gets in driver's seat*

ASSASSIN IN BACKSEAT WAITING TO STRANGLE ME: Please help I'm stuck in all these Chipotle bags

[chRis @seethenare]

@Merman_Melville Happy birthday!

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

[chRis @seethenare]

Me, a janitor at MIT doing math on a hallway chalkboard.
Professor: wow, it's like you don't even know what numbers are.