beach bums

NBA prospects playing at the intramural level. #ShootersShoot

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Under half an hour until tip-off. The boys are about to go ostrich hunting. Hope you’re ready @DATDUDEDK1099 cuz that jump shot broke af

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Happy Easter Beach Bum Fans!

[Matty Cash @MattyCashSkrt]

#goodmusic

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

BREAKING NEWS: @amasters22 out indefinitely. Injured his back from putting the team on it today. #BoiGotGame

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

@PacerNation7 Funny. That’s what your moms call us. #WinningOnAndOffTheCourt

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

@PacerNation7 Should we dig your graves before or after? #ItsAlreadyOver

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Grayson Kubow updated player profile:

Strengths: Started 6 weeks of the football season, annoying people with his presence

Weaknesses: Vanderbilt, throwing to d-lineman, didn’t start the other 4 weeks of the football season

Fun fact: We keep trying to kick him off the team

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Colin Bowler player profile:

Strengths: Good with moms, has an island in Drew Kolz’s head, mosh pit king, has lots of snacks at his house

Weaknesses: Eating quickly, showering in under 30 minutes, being on time to things

Fun fact: He rapped in a 5th grade talent show

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Casey Kubow player profile:

Strengths: Built like the cinnamon guy from Apple Jack’s, parent’s favorite child

Weaknesses: Related to Grayson Kubow, was terrible at video games in middle school

Fun fact: He jumped and hit his head on the ceiling after losing a game of 2K

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Austin Masters player profile:

Strengths: Growing a beard really fast, making uncomfortable comments around his girlfriend

Weaknesses: Putting the ball in the basket

Fun fact: He hit a half-court shot at the buzzer last year to help the Beach Bums win by 18

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Jack Housinger player profile:

Strengths: Forearms, supernatural jumping ability, kissing up to teachers

Weakness: His girlfriend has him on a leash

Fun fact: Is surprisingly good at acting

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Matt Keane player profile:

Strengths: Dated Colette Warren in 8th grade, laughs at your jokes, shut down Drew Kolz

Weaknesses: Concussions, seeing colors, Little Caesar’s deep dish pizzas

Fun fact: First kid in elementary school to get braces

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Matty Cash player profile:

Strengths: Can score from any spot on the court, drops at least 10 kids a game, purely more talented than everyone else

Weaknesses: None

Fun facts: Beat MJ 1-on-1, gets pairs of ZO2’s for free, dunked on Justin Smith, performed with Lil Pump

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

John Maskalunas player profile:

Strengths: Assisting the other team, messing up at crucial moments

Weaknesses: Doesn’t play defense, doesn’t get rebounds, won’t enter the paint, whipped af

Fun Fact: Looks like Theodore from Alvin and the Chipmunks

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Alex Capstick player profile:

Strengths: Fortnite, awkward smile, “Dad-like” personality

Weaknesses: Going to Pitt, receding hairline, spaghetti arms, timing up jump balls, brokest jump shot you’ll ever see

Fun fact: His girlfriend is tougher than him

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Evan Anderson player profile:

Nicknames: Lenny, The Evanator, the Italian Stallion

Strengths: Biceps, triceps, locking himself in a closet, flirting with multiple girls at once

Weaknesses: Words, music festivals

Fun fact: Likes to read picture books

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Sean “Smirkin” Durkin player profile:

Strengths: ACT scores, knows every word to Superbass by Nicki Manaj, superior athlete to everybody else on the court

Weaknesses: Lehigh, meeting parent’s expectations, showing up to class

Fun fact: Looks like a bulldog when he’s mad

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

Ben “Cuckboi” Nelson profile:

Strengths: Memes, Good “Your Mom” jokes

Weaknesses: Jewish girls, tree nuts, migraines

Fun fact: Identifies himself as an Apache helicopter

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

@shsbrowns maybe if they didn’t enforce slaughter rule you guys could’ve made a comeback today

[beach bums @shsbeachbums]

@shsbrowns @HooooosierDaddy Wouldn’t be the first time

[Team India IM @shsbrowns]

@HooooosierDaddy Can't wait for the @shsbeachbums to slaughter y'all.