Matt Todd

Be good or be good at it

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

God knows he couldn't let me get 9 hours of sleep every night or I'd be too powerful

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

@jashopp2001 @HP Sums my thoughts up exactly

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

Nuke Mars!

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

@jimmyfallon I don't have a car #carfails

[Abam @AdamBroud]

What if instead of knocking doors, Mormon missionaries all just became Uber drivers

[papi 9-1-1 🖤🤍🦇🌒🩸 @joshforrealz]

You ever eaten ramen with no shirt on?

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

@Dove Dove: "All hair is Professional"

Me:

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

@thoumstdve @KylePlantEmoji *Jehovah's Witnesses. Sorry, OCD.

[Hunter Rodriguez @huntman370]

Thanks @tacobell for the help 💍

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

I'm convinced that 100% of girls' Snapchat stories are just them zooming in on a homie accompanied by a partially suppressed chuckle. Please explain the significance

[Abbie @AbbieEvansXO]

Satan: let’s watch a movie

Cerberus: sure, what are you thinking

Satan: all dogs go to heaven lol

Cerberus: asshole

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

Me, a very smart keynote speaker at an agoraphobia convention: where is everybody?

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

@KylePlantEmoji Took a calculus class that didn't give me college credit and was also not required to graduate

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

GENIE: Alright you have one wish left are you sure there’s not something you’ve wanted to wish for? [gesturing to my son who’s in a wheel chair]

ME: [holding 2 beef jerky sticks] A third.

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

Next time you feel like you aren't moving forward in life remember we used to ask each other for ratings on Facebook.

[Abbie @AbbieEvansXO]

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

[(parody) BILL NYE THO @Bill_Nye_Tho]

happy valentine's day to the bees only

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

@miklayla Well good luck keeping the doctor away fetch

[Matt Todd @sirmatthewtodd]

Y'all ever just f around and eat an apple