Wilfredo

If you came for a haircut, go somewhere else. I have too much friggen hair to cut.

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

Me: please grab some updog on the way home

ExWife: for the last time the kids and I are never coming back

Me: not much what's up with you?

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@dafloydsta https://t.co/9mnOpifTwA here's a one

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

[God inventing English]
Angel: what did you say you wanted "through" to rhyme with?
God: zoo
A: what about "tough" or "though"
G: lol nah

[Floyd @dafloydsta]

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT'S BACK

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@NegligentTaco @badgermole97 @ItMeIRL

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@ItMeIRL Woah.

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@_ElvishPresley_ @ComedicBust Oh wow. Just seeing this now. Means so much!

[mo @chuuew]

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@carouseldemo @markhoppus Wow, thank you for the thought kind sir!

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@666bitchcraft Do you need me to call an ambulance?

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

Me: I think I have a con cushion

Doctor: you mean a concussion?

Couch Cushion: for the last time I'm innocent

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@iamspacegirl @upsidedowntrash @KimmyMonte Megg: https://t.co/9swPv8aZkf

Wegg: https://t.co/e63IoqFFbf

Theggs!

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

Coworker: crazy weather we're having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

Coworker: crazy weather we're having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

[Jesus hold up bread]
This is my body
[Jesus holds up wine]
This is my blood
[Jesus holds up egg]
Egg.

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

Mom: you can't eat nothing but eggs. Try something else for breakfast

Me: momlette me live my life

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

Me: wow this new bread is good

Friend: yeah and it's really cheap, like a pound per nickel

Me: *mouth full* wow! A poum-per-nickel!

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

Me: If my first son is a buoy, I will name him Bob. Haha. Get it?

Empty Seat Across From Me: please take me home

[Guy Incognito (itinerant shitposter) @ShutUpThatsWho]

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

[Guy Incognito (itinerant shitposter) @ShutUpThatsWho]

BRITISH DIPLOMAT: why do you want the Elgin Marbles back so much?
HIPPO DISGUISED AS A GREEK DIPLOMAT: [tummy rumbling] uhh they're historic

[steven (wu) @Ochayethewu]

*baby detective draws first chalk outline*

Detective: Genius idea.

*baby detective sucks on female victims breast*

Detective: Nooooo.

[Wilfredo @smells_fine]

@TaylorIannn At least SOMEONE appreciates a good updog joke