snatch stache

[Peter Bernstein @Cat_Enthusiant]

Things I'm not good at making:

A) Love
2. Friends
• Lists

[Holly Haterpants @heapsOhate]

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

[Your future ex girlfriend @urfutureexgurl]

sorry that i threw the toaster in your bath, i was trying to flirt

[Peter Bernstein @Cat_Enthusiant]

Hi, my name is Peter. I enjoy long walks on the beach, holding hands, and lying to girls about things I like to do to have sex with them.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

I’d buy a beer if their commercials said, "feels so good blasting out your pee-hole".

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

Accidentally crapped my pants at Walmart and was offered a job.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

Whats her name is so special to me.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

Weed is the handjob of drugs.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

Making your Twitter account private is like putting a Master Lock on your dumpster.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

If you love something, let it go.

If it doesn't come back, drunk dial her late at night yelling, "What the fuck is your problem, Jenny?"

[S̲uper H̲uman A̲utomated Y̲odeler @_indica_sky]

Sorry I took my panties off while you were talking. Funny men have that effect on me.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

The only reason I know how to spell "amateur" is because of porn.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

Just discovered the most wonderful thing called the "stranger." It's when you sit on your hand until it's numb and jerk off a stranger.

[Holly Haterpants @heapsOhate]

Me: I’m a sexual goddess.

Also me when I see a penis:

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

I'm going to have "the talk" with my 9 year old daughter tonight, because at some point you have to tell your children they cook mediocre meth.

[Your future ex girlfriend @urfutureexgurl]

might fuck around and make a skin suit out of you

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

Put aluminum foil on your crotch and keep my dinner warm for me

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

I don't abuse drugs, I make them feel loved.

[snatch stache @snatch_stache]

I’ve licked someone’s asshole before, of course I’d eat something that fell on the floor