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hello, good mornin, how you doin, what the move is? welcome to the future. i'm the captain of the cool kids

[butt sword @buttsword]

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

[ItsGundo! @GundamIsHere]

I may have found the greatest content creator of all time!

[chip malfunction @online_shawn]

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

[Discount🍉Emma🍉Stone (Taylor's Version) @Buffalojilll]

Me: there's just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here's the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it's Curt

Me: here's the thing Curd. I'm gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

[tom @pilau]

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

[Theodore McCombs @mrbruff]

Why is this bee notice styled like a wedding invitation

[jo @whatsJo]

receptionist: sit wherever you’d like

me: thank you I’ll be in my car

[Conajam @conajam]

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

[JP @jpbrammer]

me entering my two-step verification login code after my 30 minute hiatus from twitter

[Jared Pechaček @vandroidhelsing]

there is no tweet so absurd that someone will not think you mean it seriously

[tom @pilau]

Boss: say hi to our new intern Paul

Me: oh god it’s so much worse when you give them names

Intern: what

[nick usen @nickusen]

(film critic after watching a movie that features some neon lighting)
this movie is absolutely nuts, like an acid trip slathered in meth, a delirious dive off the edge, a kaleidoscopic extravaganza that must be experienced to be believed, a phantasmagoric descent into the void

[slick @dlicj]

just took my garbages out to the road. hopefully it’s enough for them this time and the garbage men aren’t banging on my door asking for “more garbage”

[Patricia Lockwood @TriciaLockwood]

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

[Fossilized Tree Resin @Jamberee13]

My selfies are 40% decent angles, 30% trickery of light, and 30% chaotic power imbued through the old gods.

Irl I’m actually a trench coat full of crows