Dan Carrera

[jorts 🇵🇸 @ftmensch]

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

[tea ☕️ @realteaemoji]

i gotta delete this app

[Luis Vercetti @97Vercetti]

"That motherfucker back there is not real!"

[Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources @waDNR]

To avoid straining your eyes at work, use the 20-20-20 rule: Every 20 minutes, go for a 20-minute hike and spend the next 20 years in the woods.

[Marcus Unread @Yogalnstructor]

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

[a @aallleeexxxxxx1]

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

[digger zachwell @zakagan]

New York. The city that never sleeps. But that’s all about to change. That’s because I’ve released 200 kg of Melatonin into the city’s water supply. It’s finally time for this city to get the sleep it so desperately deserves. Rest easy, NY, Zachy’s here.

[Max Jordan Nguemeni @MaxJordan_N]

“He gon buy me Gucci if I ask for it.” - Clarence Thomas

[Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation @OKWildlifeDept]

it looks like another lovely spring day to REMIND YOU DELINQUENTS TO STOP "RESCUING" BABY ANIMALS. THEIR MOMS ARE MOST LIKELY NEARBY SO JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

FAWNS, DROP EM'.
BIRDS, LEAVE EM'.
RACCOONS, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

ARMADILLO?¿? ARMADILL-NO.

[Washington State Dept. of Natural Resources @waDNR]

May is Volcano Awareness Month.
We have volcanoes.
You are now aware.
See you next May.

[Fuck You I Quit @fuckyouiquit]

me during the interview / me years into the job

[Matt Post @MattPostSaysHi]

This is so messed up. They should be in the wild.

[Chris Bakke @ChrisJBakke]

Only one man can save the economy now:

[Kate Mooney @yatinbrooklyn]

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

[wint @dril]

writing a novel about a post apocalyptic society that uses rats as currency. so far thats the only interesting thing they do i can think of.

[Dan Carrera @swimdany]

#PS5Share, #ELDENRING

[Perritos que curan tu depresión 🐶 @perritos_qctd]

El esfuerzo de hoy, lo verás reflejado mañana