tm crawford

[ILikeToasters (Latent Creations) @LikeToasters]

Since I see many sharing this from other accounts instead of mine so I figured I would share again. Please share my X version if sharing. Dead Mouse Delivery.

[The Meow Cats @TheMeowCats]

When you’re a cat, but you show up to the dog park and steal the show (and the frisbee) like a boss! 😂

[tm crawford @teecarmack]

@emmaalj Congratulations!
I didn't get to start a real career until later in life, too, and am now retired.
Do the math and see how it works out when you can retire with pension, benefits, and social security. That may be the light bulb for you to see how it's God's plan.
Hang in there.

[Geoff Graham @ggraham]

In 1855, Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson founded a Bible school for free black children and slaves where he and other volunteers taught them to read. He taught there regularly until the war, then continued funding it until he was killed.

Among the six slaves he owned was one who asked Jackson to buy him so that he could more easily buy his own freedom at a later date (with Jackson’s encouragement, he did). Another was an older woman who also requested that he purchase her. A third was a young girl, likely with disabilities, who an elderly widow asked Jackson to purchase from her to secure the girl’s future. When Jackson departed for the war, he left instructions that she was to be cared. The other three came into his possession via marriage.

Plenty of firsthand accounts beginning long before the war and up to his death describe a humble, kind, dutiful, and charitable man, who was socially awkward and almost completely unconcerned with what other people thought of him.

[Наташа Переводчица @humortranslate]

Я чего-то такого и ждала когда заводила кошку

[癒しの動物 @animalkyat]

今日出勤したら本部の人達きてた

[Bexxy @Bexxy__19]

GERALD UPDATE — or, unfortunately, lack thereof. 🐦‍⬛

Sooooo…

My deepest apologies to everyone who has been sitting around waiting for today's installment of Gerald and His Posse of Feathered Hoodlums™.

I just got home from work.

Yes. Just.

Which means there will be no Gerald update tonight.

Please remain calm.

Control yourselves.

I know some of you have become emotionally invested in the political instability currently unfolding between myself and a small organized crime syndicate of crows.

However…

I would never leave my favorite little creatures completely unsatisfied. 😏

So tomorrow?

You get two parts.

Consider it your reward for being such good little sphinxes and waiting so patiently for me.

And who knows what Gerald has been doing while I've been gone…

Watching.

Waiting.

Plotting.

Perhaps preparing for the next phase of our mutually questionable alliance.

Perhaps General Gerald has been conducting reconnaissance.

Perhaps he's planning a coup.

Perhaps he's outside my house right now.

…

Actually, I don't particularly like that last thought.

Either way—

Two chapters tomorrow.

Until then, behave yourselves.

Or don't.

I've always preferred things a little unruly. 🖤🐦‍⬛

The King will return.
The General is watching.
And the crows are getting restless.

[Bexxy @Bexxy__19]

UPDATE ON GERALD AND THE CROW SITUATION:

Things have escalated.

I repeat.

THINGS HAVE FUCKING ESCALATED.

For those of you just joining us, yesterday I accidentally entered into diplomatic relations with a gang of crows after Gerald stole my good spoon.

Well.

This morning I walked outside and Gerald was waiting for me.

Alone.

Standing directly in the middle of my driveway.

No screaming.

No hopping around.

Just staring at me like a tiny feathered loan shark who had come to collect.

I said, “Morning, Gerald.”

He tilted his head.

I gave him a walnut.

He did not eat it.

Instead, this motherfucker picked it up, walked three steps to the left, PUT IT DOWN, and stared at me again.

Message received.

The offering was insufficient.

So I went back inside and got more walnuts.

When I returned…

THERE WERE NINE CROWS.

Nine.

Yesterday there were seven.

Gerald is fucking recruiting.

And they were arranged in a SEMICIRCLE.

This isn’t a bird friendship anymore.

I’m funding organized crime.

I distributed the walnuts because apparently I pay protection money now.

Everything seemed fine until one of the smaller crows tried taking two.

Gerald immediately screamed at him.

The little one dropped the second walnut.

I have accidentally created an economy.

Gerald controls distribution.

There’s a hierarchy.

There are consequences.

I’m pretty sure I witnessed a disciplinary hearing before breakfast.

Then Gerald flew away.

I thought we were done.

WE WERE NOT DONE.

Twenty minutes later I looked outside and there was something sitting where Gerald had been standing.

A bottle cap.

A shiny rock.

And…

MY FUCKING SPOON.

HE RETURNED THE SPOON.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I believe we have successfully negotiated a trade agreement.

Unfortunately, there is now a crow sitting on my mailbox.

So I still cannot get my fucking mail.

I tried approaching.

He puffed up.

I backed away.

That mailbox belongs to the organization now.

At this point I’m just a tenant.

Anyway, Gerald has officially been promoted to General Gerald, Commander of the Driveway, First of His Name, Keeper of the Good Spoon, Lord of the Power Line, Collector of Walnuts, and Regional Manager of Whatever The Fuck Is Happening Here.

I’ll keep everyone updated.

But if I suddenly stop posting…

Gerald found out I told you.

[The Pets 𝕏 @ThePetsX]

Hunting skills: 0%
Accuracy: 0%
Confidence: 100%

[MrAnderson @cnctNow]

This is hilarious

[Mor Edge Insight @MorEdge_Insight]

Trained Guide Cat in action…

Because sometimes the Labrador is busy… and the cat has its own route.

Hale and Pace nailed feline independence perfectly 😂🤣

This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen 🤣

[Cats with aura @Catsworldtweet]

I was on my morning walk when I came across a man pushing his cat on a swing.

[Pickle @PickliciousF]

What if every little cat is only allowed a finite number of treats in their life and I’ve already eaten mine???

[George The Stourbridge Junction Station Cat @TheStourbridge]

Good morning welcome to Tippetty tap tap Thursday

Be proud of the person you are
.
Not because you have everything figured out, but because you continue to show up with kindness, courage and hope.

#cats #cats #Cat #CatsOnTwitter #CatsOfTwitter

[George The Stourbridge Junction Station Cat @TheStourbridge]

🚨 Official George Hydration Advice 🚨

If your wee wee colour matches my magnificent ginger fur… stop what you’re doing and drink some water! 😹💧

Your kidneys will thank you.

#StayHydrated #Heatwave #GeorgeTheStationCat

[Catturd ™ @catturd2]

Is that a dude?

[Larry the Cat @Number10cat]

If rumours are to be believed I'll be living with a seventh different Prime Minister shortly. If it carries on like this I'm going to stop making the effort to learn their names.

[Larry the Cat @Number10cat]

"I have accepted Keir Starmer's resignation as my chief servant and have invited Andy Burnham to lay out details for how many meals a day he'll give me"

[tm crawford @teecarmack]

@MarcHopkins1775 @TheCivic I like Chick-fil-A, but having a food business that closes on Sunday in an international airport doesn't help the travelers. For that reason, I agreed with them. If the company was willing to negotiate Sunday openings, then that would be a good compromise.

[Smiler Grogan @Smiler_Grogan]

@RealJamesWoods