matt!

the michael jordan of being a son of a bitch

[Jared “Ghost Dog” Denney @PlayaJared]

How tf do you check your balls for cancer it all feels like cancer

[maddie @payphoneexhibit]

this is how it feels to be confident about anything i write

[sebastian castillo @bartlebytaco]

you are not ‘addicted’ to your phone, drugs, alcohol, etc. you are a champion of pleasure. start acting like one

[john v. variety ❤️.U.∞ OUT NOW @johnvvariety]

This is concurrent with "Eric Andre doesn't hold up" because you guys all became him. You guys do his bits and pour stuff all over yourself in your car and scream in a condom with ink all over your face and say Ranch style stuff at people. All content is self debasing content now

[latke @latkedelrey]

the saddest part of life during wartime is that he has no speakers and no headphones and no records to play

[cowboy postbop @cowboy_postbop]

listening to 3-year-old’s talk to each other is a very Coen Brothers -esque experience because frequently one is kind of pontificating on a random topic and the other one repeats the same thing over and over

[Puds @havingalaugh]

tom waits must be so glad the internet didn't exist when he suddenly started doing that voice three albums in

[Wopavelli @TheWopObama]

Taking a shit on the clock at work for so long that I come out and my boss is 20 years older like interstellar and I start crying

[Skyler Higley @skyler_higley]

I almost caught myself caring about how new shrek looked. then I remembered I’m 30 and have many debts.

[n 🇺🇸🇳🇴🇦🇷🇫🇷 @moneyspread]

deaaron fox is the first case of CTE in the NBA

[jezebel⚢ @MaryJaneWAPson]

The part in joker where he tells a knock knock joke on live tv where the punchline is "it's the police ma'am, your son is dead" feels exactly like something Norm would do to Conan

[fred @fredday95]

2016-2018 Parquet Courts you'll never be forgotten

[Karen McGee @karenmotherof2]

This is how they’re gonna find Fox’s body on the river walk

[keegan @Keegan59992745]

Never seen a fanbase up 2-1 be so scared in my entire life.

[Zito @_Zeets]

Knicks fans are talking about Wemby the way that John Jonah Jameson talks about Spider-Man

[Benny Feldman @Feldfrog]

(If I was at the roast of Kevin Hart)

Pete Davidson is here! Pete’s dated Ariana Grande, Kim Kardashian, EmRata, and many others

(Turn to Pete)

Hey Pete! All of those memories are now but ash in the sands of time

[one dozen rats at a keyboard @PanasonicDX4500]

Knicks fans, it’s hard to process a playoff loss after a long win streak, but take a deep breath this morning and repeat to yourself:
- That WAS the series turning point
- The Spurs WILL win three of the next four
- The League DOES want Wemby as their new face
- You CAN’T stop it

[★juliet★ @wellbutrinwitch]

the dude from butthole surfers is always singing about some bullshit