Thomas

Stand-Up Comedic Connoisseur. Husband. Father. Child at Heart. Aspiring Ghost Writer. Dead Inside. Most of my tweets are written on the toilet.

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

If someone gifts me any amount of A5 waygu beef, I'll stop posting.

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@obsidian_blue @rochephillips :*

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

Fun fact:

Male honeybees die shortly after sex.

It's 3 stages of life are literally

1. Honey
2. Nut
3. Cheerio

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@lawyerup17 @zachsilberberg sar·casm

/ˈsärˌkazəm/

noun

the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

"his voice, hardened by sarcasm, could not hide his resentment"

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@OrlandoPcomedy I'mma
Puke
After

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

My first viral tweet was a stolen joke.

All the comments are so mad.

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@Blk_Dolphin @RF_P0TUS No.

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@hughfriknfraser Cool man!

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@bayouballyhoo Never once said it was mine! But if you can find the original author of the joke, let me know, I'll give credit where credit is due.

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@dspiro1997 Steal what I stole? Sure!

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@BetterCall_Joel @mlebischak It was in jest. Like "oh man you got me"

[Mat™️ @futureKid]

Matchbox Twenty
+ Twenty One Pilots
= Sum 41

[millennial_crybaby_slob @dillonsaur]

Every rich person has a tiny dog that looks exactly like a monopoly player piece

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

@zachsilberberg Shit. I've been beat to the punch

[Orlando @OrlandoPcomedy]

You mean to tell me someone Ironed a Maiden?

[Al Alvarez One Liners @AlAlvarezJokes]

7/8ths of the time i believe in god

But sometimes

I'm an eighth-eist

[Mike Wells @mikewtfwells]

My idea of being able to afford a home renovation is playing The Sims.

[Morgan Gallo @morgangcomedy]

Do people not realize when they complain about having to pay to see a comedy show it’s kind of insulting to the comics? These jokes aren’t free bitch

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

I had sex on the beach once, so I totally get where Anakin was coming from.

[Mike Wells @mikewtfwells]

It’s so easy to order $50 worth of Taco Bell when you’re also buying weed.

[Thomas @TheeDankEngine]

UPDATE: Saw fast 9 and ordered that lady a few self help books on Amazon.

Then I took the wallet to the police station.