The Fishpants

𝕺𝖇𝖘𝖈𝖚𝖗𝖊 𝕽𝖊𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊𝖘, 𝕱𝖆𝖗𝖙 𝕵𝖔𝖐𝖊𝖘, 𝕾𝖜𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖘*😆🤓🤬
*ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᶜᶜᵃˢᶦᵒⁿᵃˡ ˢᵘʳᵖʳᶦˢᵉ ᵖᵉⁿᶦˢ
Join me on Bluesky @thefishpants.bsky.social

[The Fishpants @thefishpants]

Checking out. Keeping this account alive in case this platform ever gets sold to an adult again, but I'll be at the other place if you're looking for me. ✌️

[.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin]

brains in front of zombies on treadmills would provide a source of sustainable energy for the apocalypse but what do i know i’m just a girl.

[tera-cotta @notincharge7]

let's take away the voicemail option
we have the technology

[Ok Kate @Kateness8]

I can cry on command. Just tell me to do something and I’ll cry

[meghan @deloisivete]

My 7yo keeps referring to the medicine cabinet as 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑒𝑐𝑟𝑒𝑡 𝑚𝑖𝑟𝑟𝑜𝑟, so now I'm expecting Nancy Drew to show up at any minute to investigate

[Tspot @hollarbacktime]

Help is available 24/7. If you’re a vet or loved one of a veteran in crisis, please call.

[The Fishpants @thefishpants]

RIP David Lynch, I know Heaven has a special place for you. A weird, creepy, dreamlike place with 1950s music playing and at least one prolific character actor. Also there are probably like 85000 people who have been waiting to ask you some questions.

[Rick Aaron @RickAaron]

Whenever Capital One asked “What’s in your wallet?” I was always embarrassed that it was a Burger King coupon and a Trojan condom that both expired in 1998.

[Jennifer Killa Dilla @HauntedJennifer]

Sometimes I worry about humanity, then I see the “do not pet the dogs” sign in the airport security line and know we’ll be ok.

[The Fishpants @thefishpants]

@ContestThursday Thanks pandas, I hope you're bringing this to the new place.
https://t.co/phXAiHfnGh

[The Fishpants @thefishpants]

Welcome to the 1275th annual Evil Wizard's Convention!
A few quick announcements:
To the owner of a BLUE dragon, you're blocking the golem's entrance, we need you to move it.
Necromancers PLEASE keep your undead hordes INSIDE the pentagram, we don't want a repeat of last year.

[Trash Pandamonium Contest @ContestThursday]

🏆 THURSDAY CONTEST 🏆

This week's theme: DRAGONS

LET’S TALK ABOUT DRAGONS AND STUFF.

Give us up to 3 🐉 NEW🐉 tweets (written today) about all things DRAGON!

Open to all size accounts.

Ends 10PM EDT 🥳

[The Fishpants @thefishpants]

Welcome to the 1275th annual Evil Wizard's Convention!
A few quick announcements:
To the owner of a BLUE dragon, you're blocking the golem's entrance, we need you to move it.
Necromancers PLEASE keep your undead hordes INSIDE the pentagram, we don't want a repeat of last year.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

I was today years old when I found out that the mile high club is not when you eat a Denver omelette in an airplane bathroom.

['THE Fabulous' Mickie Marie Love 🏴‍☠️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 @MickieMarieLove]

"Peanut Butter as a Coping Mechanism"

My new holistic medicine guide? or
Title of my Autobiography?

[The Fishpants @thefishpants]

OK at this point I'm pretty sure we've all been dead since at least 2020.

[Drew (some assembly required) @dmc1138]

I like how “energy bars” are really just candy bars, and we all pretend to not notice.

[tera-cotta @notincharge7]

If you're standing right next to me I will not find that thing you asked for. But if you leave it will magically appear.

['THE Fabulous' Mickie Marie Love 🏴‍☠️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 @MickieMarieLove]

Due to budget cuts, we can no longer take you to Funky Town  It's now divided into Funky Hamlet and Funky Incorporated Township

[It’s 𝘿𝙖𝙣𝙖, actually @HourLongSauce]

Things that come in threes:
Stooges
Musketeers
Days Grace
Cat puke piles

[.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin]

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that