andy

this is how I chill, from ‘92 to infinity.

[Blake ™ @NeilNevins]

(Austin Powers game tutorial level)

Austin: Wait a tick. When’s the last time I opened my shag bag?

Basil: Good thinking, Austin! Why not press ⭕️ and check your inventory?

Austin: I do pride myself in pressing the right buttons, don’t I? YEAH, BABY.

[andy @thegreatag]

Remember StumbleUpon? The old internet was so dope.

[NASCAR @NASCAR]

We are saddened and heartbroken to share the news of the passing of Kyle Busch, a two-time Cup champion and one of our sport's greatest and fiercest drivers. He was 41 years old.

We extend our deepest condolences to the Busch family, Richard Childress Racing and the entire motorsports community.

[andy @thegreatag]

@TMZ May his nipples continue to protrude in the afterlife.

[andy @thegreatag]

May Barney Frank’s nipples continue to protrude in the afterlife.

[andy @thegreatag]

@Sneekin_bayou @THEKIDMERO Wow good shout. Right past the curve on hwy 38.

[andy @thegreatag]

@juanc_kovacs @cremieuxrecueil Sick pfp big dog!

[Handsome B. Charming @CTachio83984]

im terribly sorry but there was a mistake during surgery and your body has been fused with an evil garbage truck and the only way to fix it is to win the twisted metal tournament, your handling is 2 and your armour is 5

[CC Sabathia @CC_Sabathia]

Didn’t matter that it was a contract year. All I cared about was the postseason and leaving it all on the field. I’ll always cherish my chapter with the @Brewers and now forever being a part of the wall of honor 🙌🏾

[Papii🥤 @ammalusty]

[The most 20-25 minutes away guy you have ever heard in your entire life] yeah, i'm about 12 minutes away.

[Matthew Modine @MatthewModine]

I’m often asked about the pegboard scene in VISION QUEST. That was all me. No stunt doubles or safety measures. I trained for a long time and had to climb it several times to get all the angles. The “trick” is not to over extend, so you’d be pulling up your entire body weight. You have to keep it compact. Arms and elbows tight. 💪🏽

You can support the @FMJDiary project by bidding on a signed VQ poster here: https://t.co/rdgOp7g5ZI

[Dale Earnhardt Jr. @DaleJr]

Happy birthday to the biggest badass that ever drove a racecar. 🐐

[ali @probablyalissa]

Hi please don’t vape around my baby. We’re raising him exclusively on Marlboro reds.

[Dirt Cheap Banks @dirtcheapbanks]

I have built a spreadsheet. It has 847 rows. Each row is a community bank in the United States with a market cap below $200 million, a price-to-tangible-book ratio under 0.85, a non-performing loan ratio below 0.4%, and a CEO who has been in the role for at least twelve years. I update it every Sunday from 6 AM to 11 AM while my family attends church without me. I have visited the headquarters of nineteen of these banks in person. I have eaten a complimentary lobby cookie at each one. The cookies are how you can tell. A bank with a good cookie is a bank that respects its depositors. A bank with a stale cookie is a bank that will be acquired within 36 months at a 40% premium. I am never wrong about the cookies. The cookies have never lied to me. The cookies are the only thing left that tells the truth.

[Fart Corvelay @Mark_Cam_3]

pronouncing Bojangles like Los Angeles

[wint @dril]

and another thing: im not mad. please dont put in the newspaper that i got mad.

[Clue Heywood @ClueHeywood]

My Dad's high school "drug talk" with me was just a story about two guys in his platoon who smoked weed and fell asleep outside the wire, and the VC slit their throats and cut off their dicks. So whenever I smoked weed in Cave Creek, Arizona, I always kept watch for the Viet Cong

[Juggalo Jesus @da_porgy]

The cops wanna question me about the death of my half-brother and I was so worried for a second, but this cop is a total loser lol. There's no way this Lieutenant Columbo guy will ever unravel my conspiracy. That inheritance is as good as mine! Hang on, he has one more question.

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

[Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh... enlighten me as to hhwhy Mistuh Mario's got such animus for the boy