Tom Walma

Host of the Creativity Wasted podcast, aspiring comedian and inventor, reluctant programmer

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Taking the lithium out of batteries and using it to make meth would be the funnest way to win the robot apocalypse

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

If you can hypnotize someone to go crazy when they hear a snapping noise, instead of having them go crazy when you snap your fingers, you should send them to a chiropractor

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Grocery stores should have a special self-checkout lane with intense air conditioning for people who sweat a lot. Maybe also an air conditioned shopping cart

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

The way you win staring contests is by making your eyes lazier. I wish more things in life worked that way.

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

If your ears are ringing, you're a humanoid robot and the gears inside your brain are underlubricated

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Maybe those inflatable dancing things at car dealerships are just limp poles desperately flopping themselves around in a failed attempt to get hard

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Since the government is spying on us all and has our identities and personal info, we shouldn't have to write return addresses on our envelopes. They can just scan our DNA to find out who the mail came from, and then sent it back to them

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

I didn't have a knife to use to butter my bagel in my hotel room, so I used my toothbrush instead. The toothbrush did an OK job at spreading butter, much better than that time I tried to brush my teeth with a butter knife.

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

I still like to wear Axe Body Spray. Being covered in the blood sprayed out of my enemies who I vanquished with an axe just makes me feel so strong and confident

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Cigarettes are like ghost penises, and when you stick them in your mouth, they ejaculate ghost sperm that floats through the air and impregnates people with death

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Therefore, it would be moral and just to freak out out being overcharged for the Roma tomatoes. I don't actually do that, though. Instead I say nothing, pay the extra 20 cents, and bask in the knowledge that I had the power to cause them great shame, but chose not to

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Roma tomatoes are the perfect food for people who love the glory of screaming in righteous indignation. Because like 1/4 of the time, the cashier will accidentally enter them in the cash register as normal tomatoes, which are more expensive than Roma tomatoes.

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

You could hide a thin flexible sword in a necktie. But you'd have to be extremely careful not to stab yourself in the dick when sitting down

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

If you buy a mail-order bride, you should have a reverse wedding registry where you buy gifts for the people who attend your wedding

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

If you use a vibrator on a beach, would it cause you to sink into the sand?

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Reading makes you look dumber because it causes you to mispronounce words that you've only read and never heard spoken. If you never read anything, you'd never do that

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

A great way to stop a car chase would be to hover a drone carrying a sword directly in the path of the car, and just watch them drive into it

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

Getting sucked into a tornado should be called Dorothying

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

If Kanye West was named Kanye East, he would've ruined the reputation of Easter

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

I wanna train birds to shit on people's cars as they're pulling out of the car wash

[Tom Walma @thomaswalma]

In the future, we won't need coat racks, because we can just put our coats on our personal robots