Tyler ツ

[Jarrett Bailey @JBaileyNFL]

Cris Collinsworth: Raccoons kept getting my tomatoes. So I went out and bought a crossbow and a ghillie suit. I Camped out in my yard, blasted one at 3 AM, and displayed it as a warning. My neighbors called the ASPCA, so I have a court date next week.

Mike Tirico: Second down

[ellie schnitt @holy_schnitt]

a lady sitting behind me at my gate just said “it’s like mayonnaise, but purple” genuinely what could she possibly be talking about

[The Mayor From Jaws @OvertCanadian]

Guy who sucks at building boats: no, it's supposed to be like that. I made it like that on purpose.

[𝓷𝔁𝔂𝓲𝓮 @glooomiii]

lmao get loved loser

get absolutely fucking treasured

[I Am Devloper @iamdevloper]

the dumbest person you know is being told "You're absolutely right!" by ChatGPT

[Popeyes @Popeyes]

pope yes

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

Coming out of my cage

[Tyler ツ @thoyt205]

@Fifi6571 @Windstream Down here in Moody, AL

[penjamin is now @ghostdraculas @upsidedowntrash]

WIFE: It's either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won't you love Tom Honks

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

put me in this situation and i’m 100% chewing through the cable like a rat

[Night Vale podcast @NightValeRadio]

Unfortunately, *gestures around at just kind of all of it*

[triste 🛷 @tamphopho]

happy new year

[Dave Kluge @DaveKluge]

My 3-8 fantasy squad coming to ruin someone’s playoff hopes this weekend

[taylor garron @taylorgarron]

if god isn’t real then explain the crunchwrap supreme

[chris long @JOEL9ONE]

I like to think about this guy calmly sitting in traffic on the ride home

[cory @coolmathgame_]

termite twitter scares me